ALERT: NEW BLOG!!! :)

Hello friends!

I am starting a new blog!

http://nickandhannahbrown.blogspot.com/

Please please please come re-follow me!  Sorry for the hassle :/

Hope you are all doing great!  I love to read your blogs!  (And lots of blogs of those I don't even know!)  So much fun to be able to share and grow together in such a huge and unique community!

Love and Blessings :)

HannahEBrown

Fresh Start

Ahh.

Since I last posted weeks ago, many things have changed.  I no longer work at MCC (but somehow have managed to still physically be in Admissions at least three or more days a week), I now wake up before 6:00am, (a time which I only knew to exist a few days of the year, NOT every!), I am an (almost-) official teacher, aka student-teacher with the BEST cooperating teacher on the planet,  and just switched from Tmobile to Sprint.  Holy changes, Batman, I know!  OH and today starts Day 1 of P90x (which we have to do, because we spent the money on it and committed to doing it).

I am also still working through some sort of emotional, mental, spiritual crisis, but am seeking guidance from our Lord and some close friends to do so.  I think a million and one months of stress, overcommittment, busyness, lack of time devoted to the right things and people, and years of other issues are finally coming to a head and seeping out from under that rug under which I have been sweeping them.  Lots of things were revealed to me during our pre-marital counseling and now continue to be as I no longer live in just my room or apartment, but share so much more of my time and myself with another person.  Thank you Lord for healing, forgiveness, and peace found only in You

Sometimes I wish I had the time [energy] to just mull through all the thoughts racing through my mind. 

I feel like I am playing a part.  Some stupid part.  I am not flourishing.  I am just acting in order to keep not only myself but my comfortable life safe.  I am not truly experiencing life as it was created to experience.  I am reading a book, well, I am reading four books, and just read two other books in the last two days, but that is besides the point.. I am reading a book entitled "The Me I Want to Be;" sounds corny, huh?  It is a little... but it is also opening my eyes to how misguided I have let myself be and how I have allowed others the privelege of directing and controlling my life for me as opposed to allowing God that honor.  Maybe not at first, but over years and years I have left the control room, and am just some passenger, not even flying first class, in my own life.  I was created by a mysterious, wonderful, incredible God to live a life in which I actually feel alive and flourishing!  More often than not, I feel as if I am simply filling a spot, living the life constructed for me by others, and not truly experiencing the glorious freedom I could be. 

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." - Gal 5:1

I sometimes truly do feel like a captive in my own life.  I am stuck in a tiny little box, where no matter what decision I make I negatively impact someone I love and care about, and I am so unwilling to do that.  Its like I can see the long-term affects, the impact on my own self and my marriage making specific choices could be, but I am so scared to trust God enough, to trust He is bigger than my "safe" little box, that He has a plan so much more awesome than mine, that He holds the hearts of my loved ones and wants to guide and direct them just as He wants to guide and direct me.  I feel like I am standing at the edge of the box, looking over, to a scary, painful, exciting adventure, and am just to chicken to jump. 

This doesn't make a lot of sense.  I feel like I am on the verge of revolution in my life and heart and hope and pray I get out of His way and allow God to truly mold and make me His servant and let myself experience the life I was created to live...

no title today.

Living alone is the pits.  I want my husband back from CIY now please.

In two days I will have completed a triathlon (sprint-style, don't be too impressed).

I love to watch Ace of Cakes.  Ok I love to watch the Food Network.  All the time. 

I want need some ice cream. 

I also need want to lose like 7 pounds. 

Maybe when I'm done with this stupid darn triathlon.

I finished my last college class ever.  And by ever I most likely do not mean ever.  Unfortunately.  But for this degree, I just finished my last college class everrrrr!  I graduate in December.  My last name is Brown now, in case you need to know for the presents you are going to send... ;)

The End.

happy happy joy joy

I am so full of joy.  I feel like the old saying my cup runneth over could be applied to me right now, as, though I have my problems and hard things in my life, the blessings seem to far outweigh the pitfalls.  In an effort to a) blog more, and b) kill time waiting for my husband [I just love to refer to him as that], I will list some of the many things I love/that bring me joy:

#1: Dark Chocolate Peanut M&Ms.  GIFT FROM THE LORD!!!  Nick got me [us] a bag of these, plus a bag of peanut-free ones, for our two month-iversary of marriage, along with two-dozen roses and two bananas.  Does the man know the way to my heart or what?  Throw in two turkey sandwiches and two Francine Rivers books and I am good to go for days!  But seriously.  These perfectly wonderful dark delicacies are perhaps my very most favorite food and if calories (and my waist-line) were of no matter to me, the candies would be a part of my every single day diet.  Darn you calories!!!  ;)

#2: Speaking of calories, I really enjoy websites that allow you to type in almost every single food EVER under the sun and they tell you how many calories per each food.  This is a blessing and a serious burden all at the same time, as in the past, I could just assume Birthday Cake Remix from Coldstone only had like 210 calories per each "Love It" size serving... unfortunately not the case.  However, it does allow me to appear incredibly healthy and intelligent as I regail others with my extensive knowledge of the caloric world. 

#3: New Bible Study on Monday nights!  God has really been laying it on my heart (and I do not use those words lightly) to do something like this, and I am so excited to see where he takes us over the coming weeks.  So blessed to have such great and Godly women in my life encouraging me and lifting me up.  Only a few more weeks until the rest of them are back to town [of course always minus a few beloved friends from the great state of OK!]  But seriously, God is so good to me and ever humbling me through this.  Excited! 

#4: The aformentioned turkey sandwiches.  I LOVE a good ol' turkey sandwich.  They are best in the summer too because tomatoes are more prevalent and I am more apt to buy lettuce and we just got some flat/skinny bagels and sandwich thins with the grains and seeds on top and I am just delighted to eat a sandwich for lunch almost every day!  Yumm yum yum :)  [If you aren't following, the way to my heart is simple:  buy me some chocolate and make me a sandwich and hang out with me.  the end.]


Juuusssst kidding, not the end! 

There are two more things that brings me joy today:

#5: The power of a faithful and praying people, coming together and uniting for one purpose, lifting up our brothers in Christ, and BELIEVING that God has the power to perform healing miracles!  I have been seriously moved this week by the demonstration of God's love this week specifically in two great families in our church here in Manhattan.  Too long of a story for me to tell, but basically one man needed a liver transplant, so another man donated a part of his.  Surgery was yesterday, both men are in recovery today.  GOD IS SO GOOD, AMEN!  If you have a moment to spare, lift up their recovery to our awesome Lord, as it is a slow and probably painful road ahead, but that road includes life, which is what matters!  PTL!

and #6:  I am so overly filled with joy to be spending all my days with the love of my life and husband of 69 days.  Each day I am challenged again to be selfless and love another more than myself, and each day I learn more about patience, grace, and forgiveness as it is unconditionally demonstrated to me.  Each day I learn more and more about the loving God as his relationship to us is one of unconditional devotion and patience and grace, as ours should be toward one another. 

Blessed blessed blessed blessed blessed. 

‎"And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven. Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective." - James 5:15-16

I firmly believe that God has the power to perform miracles, in Bible times and still today.  They may not look like New Testament miracles; he may not be changing water into wine, feeding a multitude with a small boy's measly lunch, or walking on water; but they are happening and every single day.  I truly believe this.

God is so good.  

the heart of God

Challenged.  To be like Christ.  To live a life worthy of the call.  To trust.  To follow.  To love.  To have a heart, that is like the heart of God.  Matt (her husband) preached yesterday about having a heart that is like God's.  At the end of the service he showed some pictures and talked about the mass murders and devestation in Nigeria done to the Christians there, about how those who lived did not curse or hate those who did the deed, but instead forgave them and gave glory to God for his mercy.  What a testimony to us, what an example of the way we ought to revere and praise God for his plans, his power, his grace, the list could go on. 

Jesus says in the fifth chapter of Matthew "You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous."  The Nigerians seem to have that figured out, that we are to see people through the eyes of Jesus, that we are to love with the heart of God, selflessly, and without judgment. 

It's funny, sometimes, the places and the vehicles God uses to teach us.  Two weeks ago I went to a junior high camp in the middle of western Kansas on a lake, with one of my dear friends and past roommates, and seriously was just as challenged as those students, and really probably more.  Among the sweat, bugs, foul smells, and sleeping on the ground, I saw God, and I was pushed and challenged to become selfless, sacrifice for those around me, see people through His eyes, and serve with my whole self.  Teaching and encouraging the younger girls was such an inspiration to me to better do the things we expected out of them.  So often I found myself frustrated, annoyed because they didn't seem to be getting it, didn't seem to grasp the concepts, couldn't look past their own needs and desires and see the world outside their own.  Sounds kind of like God with us, huh?  He teaches us, encourages, gently prods us, and yet we are so self-absorbed and blind to him and the lives around us that we miss out on so much growth, experience, awesome God-filled life that we could be having!  What are we doing?!

The worst is that we know.  So many of us have experienced and known God in such incredible ways, but are so drawn to serving and living for ourselves that we exchange the AWEsome, Christ-centered, rewarding, JOYful life for a second-rate, self-fulfilling, empty life spent searching for ways to fill a void only He can fill. 

Big things are happening.  I feel like God is on the verge of some seriously awesome work and movement in my life and hopefully the lives around me.  Lord, fill me like a vessel so much that I would overflow; use me to reach those who do not know the greatness of your love. 


Oh and ps: Nick and I are great, marriage is great, fun, hard, and rewarding.  I love my life, am content with my location, and really feel like God continues every day to reveal himself more to me and grow me closer to him as well as to Nick.  Praise the Lord! 

campcampcampcampcamp!

If you know me at all, you know I love camp.  I spent two summers of my collegiate life travelling and recruiting for Manhattan Christian College at different camps and conferences each week, as well as have been to many since then.  If life was a dream, I would live at camp. 

Tomorrow, I leave for a camp in Western Kansas called Boondocker with my former roommate Katie Schemm.  I am SO excited!  Not only am I beyond pumped to spend five days in the "wilderness" with one of the best people ever, but I am so excited to get away from work (the desk/air conditioning part), hang out with Jr High students, and spend some quality time with my God in the midst of one of his finest creations: nature.  This will be my third time at Boondocker, and I have been so blessed each summer by the awesome kids and youth workers who attend.  There is a passion for Jesus and students that exude and overflow from these people, and it is inspiring and contagious.  I am seriously so blessed to be able to hang out with them for a week! 

Lots of prayers that God will work and break hearts for his glory this week.

Then at the end of the week, my dear, long time friend Alli Woods will become a Wilde, as she marries one of the finest, most caring men on the planet.  They are going to do great things, and I am so glad to have them as a part of my life! 

Excited for life.  Glad to have the means, time, and capacity to be a part of so many things. 


"Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should." -Eph 6:19-20 

TO-DO

This summer one of my bigger life-encompassing goals has been to quit being so task-driven, and start being more life-driven.  I have an unfortunate tendency to overcommit my time so that I end up living from one task or event to the next, counting down the days until my next day off, only to find it filled with all the stuff I never got done the weeks before. 

I have been semi-successful...until now.  The next seven weeks are pretty much jam-packed with work, camp, weddings, trips, graduations, events, class, and then school starts. 

Mad.

post-wed life

1. I am officially a married woman, and feel...basically the same.  Minus the fact that I am WAY happier without all that darn stress.  Like I am a million times less mean and crazy now that I am done with a 20-hour semester and all that planning and work that my mom did...speaking of, thanks mom!  Shoot, she did so so so much work.  The best.  But anyway, marriage is super fun and I really like it. 

2. Right now I am at a party and we are watching the Suns and the Lakers.  In case anyone was wondering, I do not enjoy NBA basketball and think it is boring and dumb. 

3.  Also in case someone was wondering, I hate bug bites.  Currently I have approximately 437  bug bites from my toes all the way up to my nose and every single one itches all the time like I have chicken pox.  Worthless.  HAVE NO FEAR though, I got some bug spray, the kind you can sweat in, because seriously who isn't sweating during the summer outside regardless of the time of day, a citronella candle, and am about to purchase one of those clip-on bug repellers and am stoked to try it out!  :)

4. We have SO much stuff.  Like, most of our new and cool gifts are open and put away, with the exception of a small pile of things to return, and are left with all our old, dumb stuff.  Our stuff isn't actually dumb, just boring because we already knew we had it and actually have to put it away now.  But don't worry, the kitchen is clean and there is nothing in the bathroom sink so we're good. 

5. Nick and I combined have so many clothes!  Please come buy them from us.  With my permission.  As in you can have anything I bought before the year 2008.  Scratch that.  You can have all but those new dresses I got from Target and my cotton v-necks.  And you can have most of the clothes from before Nick and I started dating and I started buying him Gap clothes on sale.  :)

6.  I love my friends.  The only downside to marriage is that we don't get to have other roommates anymore.  Living with Nick is seriously thebomb.com, but I wish we could have all our friends just take turns living in the guest bedroom.  (Not an actual offer for friends to come live with us.)  But I do miss Marion (almost typed @MariLibrari, whoops) and I know Nick misses Kai and sort of wish we could all just be next door neighbors.

The End.

Finals Schminals.

Its like every semester I forget.
I HATE FINALS WEEK.
Late late nights are super grand...until the next morning when time doesn't stop and you have to go to work and pick up your marriage license and turn in a paper and dip oreo balls and roll up tortillas and eat at your grandpa's and lose three pounds before Saturday because you have eaten SO much to try and stay awake and functioning this week. 
Sitting in bed all day studying is fine too...until you realize even though you just read through an entire semester's worth of powerpoints it makes little difference in the amount you learned in the class and you find out that maybe, just maybe, you should have done more of the required reading so when you have to identify five different passages of poems and tell about their significance, as well as write a three-page in-class essay regarding the influence of gender and class on women writer's in the Victorian era, you might have a clue what you are talking about.
Reading articles and looking at funny websites is super and all...until you remember the ten-page paper you STILL have managed to put off and the bottle of MD Voltage that is quickly losing its effect on your staying awake abilities and all the snacks you justified eating by pretending they would help you stay awake to do that paper.
Pretending all the wedding plans will just magically pull themselves off is great and stuff...until you remember you have yet to make any sort of dent in moving out of your room and into your new apartment and the couch is being delivered tomorrow and you haven't got bridesmaid's gifts finished or even started on the programs or helped your mom with the food even a tiny bit or figured out who will light all those tiny little tea lite (sp?) candles before the guests arrive at the reception or who is actually going to make the church look like it isn't a gym and what song we will leave to and what pen to write in the guest book with and what I am going to wear that is blue and how we are all going to be ready by picture time.
Accidentally forgetting to work out the last month has been nice and all...but now its wedding time and I have to wear a strapless dress that shows my non-model-like arms [lol, like my arms will ever be model-like, bahaha] and my chiseled back, and I have to LGN and goodness knows I definitely do not and the six-pack abs I was thinking would just magically appear despite the cookies I thought I just had to have those twelve times and the pecan roll at Panera that looked so yummy but wasn't and all that dreadful time I spent looking at Facebook or wasted sitting in class instead of going to the rec like I wanted to...

Anyway.  I hate finals week.  And ten-page stupid papers about some book I don't even care a lick about and I ran out of cereal this morning so I don't have any for breakfast and I would like to lose three pounds tomorrow and have like forty zillion things to do before Saturday, bah!

Bridezilla.

Ok ok ok.  I'm not saying I am nor will I become in the next nine days a bridezilla, BUT, and I say this with complete seriousness (well, as serious as you can be when you use any word with the suffix -zilla on it) it would not be hard to become one.

"To be or not to be...a bridezilla?" -Candice Lewis.  

But anyway.

My [our] wedding is in t-minus five days and it still feels pretty surreal to me.  Not saying I'm not totally ready and stoked, just feels so unreal.  [That may have something to do with the 8-page research paper and two finals looming over my head...but whatever.]

In other important news, Nick graduated from MCC on Saturday!  Wahooooie!  Way to go!  So did Kai and Marion!

 
Anyway, stress levels are through the roof, tears are always at bay, emotions are soaring in every direction, and to-do lists are never-ending! BUT it is all worth it, because at the end of this week, I will be the luckiest girl in the world, married to the man I love more than any other man.  I am blessed, and so happy to have so many wonderful people surrounding me and loving me.  Praise the Lord!

Special shout-out to all mothers, most importantly mine of course: You raise us and you teach us to do what is right, in hopes we will grow up to be loving, caring, wise, passionate, devoted people who desire to love the Lord above all others and let that love overflow into every area of our lives.  You let us cry, you listen to our problems no matter how petty or ridiculous, and you tell us we are special, beautiful, and the very best.  Mom's are better people than most, as they sacrifice their time, money, and happiness so that we, their children, their incredibly blessed and spoiled children, may have the things we think we need.  Thank you, mom, for giving so much.  Thank you moms, for being so special.  

Ideally.

I can expect and think and plan and dream and hope all I want, but unless those are rooted in the Lord, I will always get let down, I will always get hurt, I will always be disappointed. 

Self-Proclaimed Day Off

As I sit here, preparing to begin a paper I should have started days ago, with the last three weeks of school [including finals] looming above my head, I pause, and take a moment to reflect on this day before me.

Inside my head I am frantically trying to keep my head above the water that is so desperately pulling me under.  People to please and things to check off my list, papers to write and classes to finish. 

Outside my window it is gray and wet; the soft sound of a gentle spring rain echos.  Slow.  Peace.  Quiet.
  
Inside my room it is like a tornado went off in my closet and drawers, my clothes and shoes are strewn about like never before.

But outside, it is clean, fresh, renewed.


"...and He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away."  And He who sits on the throne said, "Behold, I am making all things new " And He said, "Write, for these words are faithful and true." -Rev 21:4-5

"...Therefore I have hope.  The LORD'S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, for His compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.  "The LORD is my portion," says my soul, "Therefore I have hope in Him."  The LORD is good to those who wait for Him, to the person who seeks Him." -Lam 3: 21-25  

The things I love.

This bloggy is a place for me to escape.  I typically write when I should be doing something else (this particular moment I should be showering, doing homework, or getting gas so I can drive to Junction in an hour... but whatever) in an effort to relieve some pressure and momentarily drift into a world of opportunity and irresponsibility. 

A quick shout-out to the weekend I had-- Thanks to so so many for being a special part of my life and aiding my preparation for marriage.  Thanks especially to Steph, Allison, and Lydia for planning and throwing the perfect shower (complete with my favorite chocolate chip cookies...which, by the way, I ate way too many of in high school and continue to do each time I am home) and involving so many of the women who mean so much to me and who have been an integral part of shaping me and helping make me the woman I am today.  Thank you also to Mom, Dad, Sarah, Mark, and the man I love the most--Nicholas R. Brown, for being so great and wonderful and fun. 

A few things that allow me sanity in this time of distress:

1. Sleeping past 8:00.  PtL for Tuesday and Thursday for that reason.  The rest of the day may be crazy busy and full and stressful and annoying... but seriously, getting to sleep until 8:15 or 8:30 is pure bliss. 

2. Free time.  I have none of it.  But the few moments I find in which I can stop, watch an episode of Glee or Grey's Anatomy or most FN shows, again, bliss.  I should be doing one of the 43 papers and/or projects that are due, buttttt I can't.  I just can't! 

3.  Time with the people I love.  I spent this weekend at home, seeing many of those who know me on a deep level and are a huge part of why I am the way I am, taking in the element of home, and making the most of time with those I love.  I am going to Lincoln to do the same this coming weekend, with the newer set of family and friends, whom I am so grateful have been placed in my life to love and be loved by. 

4. A God who never leaves and will always wait, regardless of how hard I try to handle and control things.  He waits.  He is still.  He is peace.  Thank you, Lord, for being the calm in the storm, the light in the dark, and the promise of everlasting eternity and hope. 

Grammar Police.

I was taught from a very young age to speak properly and use correct grammar.  As you most likely know, I am about to embark on a profession in which I will teach said grammar, among other equally important things, to middle adolescent students.  I believe strongly that you sound more educated and present a better representation of the community you belong to if you speak and write with correct form. 

Most people feel differently.

I get that.

But seriously.  I cringe at poorly written texts and am distracted when speakers present something incorrectly.  I know I am not the only one!  I do not disregard what one has written or is saying, but my interpretation is slightly tainted by the mistake.  I do not think one to be stupid or uneducated should they make mistakes, and I recognize that I am not a perfect writer, speaker, speller, etc.  However, I feel as though I am making great efforts to be such a thing. 

I know the majority of the population disagrees.  I know that, in the long run, the big picture, it is pretty irrelevant.  But sfdjkfhsjdhfjshjkfh it is making me crazy! 

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." -Phil 4:7

:) 

This is the day that the Lord has made.

Sometimes I have to physically stop and look at what is happening around me.  As I was telling a friend last night, it is wayyy easier to see all the negative, hard, stressful aspects of my busy life than to see the blessings and positive characteristics.  I have made a new commitment to wake up every day and see God in my morning, and ask him to be present throughout my day.  I am so grateful to have a God, a friend, who is always ready and waiting for me even when I am inconsistent in my attention to him.  You know, sometimes it just takes a major out pour of emotions and sharing of life with another person to see and hear how much I have going for me.  Thank you, Lord, for being faithful, and thank you, Lord for remembering me.

Not all of it, but a good portion of my attitude is a choice, and that choice is often clouded by negative activity and emotion.  Today I choose to taste and see that the Lord is good.

"The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them.  Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him." -Psalm 24:7-8


"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." -Rom 8:28

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." -James 1:2-4

"The LORD has done this, and it is marvelous in our eyes.  This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." -Psalm 118:23-24

A ME kind of day.

This was one of those days I felt really like myself.  No one to impress, no image to live up, no schedule to keep.  Sun was shinin, and I felt truly happy.  It was one of those run in the morning, drive with the windows down and music blaring, sunburn on my nose kind of days.  One of those only girly songs kind of days.  I feel empowered, loved, and in love.  Beautiful.  

Insecurity City, Population Me.

Sooo after much denial and ignoring my problem(s), and I have a large number of them, I have decided to get a handle on it. them. err.. anyway.  I am making yet another attempt to take back control (darn you life trying to steal it from me) of my life. 
 ---SIDE NOTE: Marion and Nick are talking politics in here and have been for at least 37 minutes.  Shoot me in the foot.  I highly d i s l i k e politics, and even more cannot stand discussing them.  I tried to listen for at least 7 of said minutes, and was very much embarassed by my lack of knowledge and intelligence, and have since jumped on the couch, eating approximately 700 calories worth of ice cream, written a short novel, saved a child from drowning, and decided to write this blog post---
ANYWAY.  Due to my extensive experience with counseling (ie. training for camp team and RA four times, miniscule amount of fam/couns. classes, a few emails exchanged with the great and genius Dr. D., and of course, pre-marital counseling) I have been able to self-diagnose my INCREDIBLY obvious case of insecurity.  i.am.insecure.  PHEW that feels good to get out there.  I'm actually not sure why I decided to post this, but since I read so many blogs [embarassed] and those wonderful people are so transparent with their lives, and I typically find myself associating with said lives and transparency, I will share. 

Somewhere along the way Beth Moore decided she would write a book about me, and then take said book on tour and make boo coo [Americanized version of the French term beaucoup meaning much or many] moneys and have loads of fun times talking to every woman ever about it.  Talk about unfair.  [jk to the max, btw, her book is SO good.]  But seriously, her newest book So Long Insecurity is phenomenal and speaking directly to me, thank you Lord for Beth Moore and her book!  The best part about it is it is completely based in Scripture and research and all points straight back to God being our supreme healer and source of security and peace.  ["I have chosen you and have not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God." -Isaiah 41:9-10]  There have been a couple of sections that I have read and seriously been like, whaaaat, how does she know me?!  I have only gotten so far as some of the root causes of insecurity, and, like I said, Beth Moore seriously wrote this book about me! 

"But a history of unwelcomed changes can be a breeding ground for insecurity, because it invites you to become addicted to dread.  You learn to live life with the constant expectation that something bad is about to happen.  And because life is life, eventually something back will happen, deepening your committment to forecasting doom.  You develop into your own false prophet, and if you don't stop yourself, you won't rest until you're proved true.  It's a miserable trap of self-inflicted insecurity.  You can cheat yourself of ever enjoying the terrific season you're experiencing because you're waiting any moment for it to change--and always for the worst... The truth is, God uses change to change us.  He doesn't use it to destroy us or to distract us but to coax us to the next level of character, experience, compassion, and destiny (79-80)."  

"Even when you are old, I will be the same.  Even when your hair has turned gray, I will take care of you.  I made you and will take care of you.  I will carry you and save you." -Isaiah 46:4 

"Whatever is good and perfect comes down to us from God our Father, who created all the lights in the heavens.  He never changes or casts a shifting shadow.  He chose to give birth to us by giving us his true word.  And we, out of all creation, became his prized possession." -James 1:16-18  

Hello insecurity, it's been nice knowin ya.

Politics?  Schmolitics. 

Peace and Love. and God.  But mostly just God.

this is my prayer in the desert.

All of my life
In every season
You are still God 
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship.

My purpose is not serving other people. 
My purpose is not pleasing other people.
My purpose is not to be perfect.

I am fallible; I will fail; I do fail.  Perfection is unattainable. 

["This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus." -Rom 3:22-24]

My purpose is to serve a God who is worthy of my praise.
My purpose is to live a life to please my God. 
My purpose is to strive to live a life that reflects the perfection found in God. 

I was created to serve God, to show his love to others, to further his kingdom.  And at that, I want to excell, at that, I don't want to fail.  Everything else should come.  

I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory 
And he is here.  

Sometimes I feel like I am on the outside of my life, watching it happen, with little to no control over the outcome. 

OOOOOOOOOklahoma

...where the wind comes sweepin' down the plains.

This post started differently.  I was in the process of making a list  of all the reeeeaallly awesome things I had done so far this blissful, stress-free Spring Break.  However, once i got to hung out with friend yesterday, it turned into something different:

- Graded papers with my poor poor first-year-teaching friend, who has just about the most unfortunate class/school situation ever.  [Which, speaking of said bfitwwwaafouwd, she is MOVING so soon to MARYLAND, and folks, Maryland is over 20 hours away from Manhattan, and let me just tell you, FRIEND, we can't exactly sit on porches and drink lemonade and watch our children play in the yard from 20 hours away... lucky for you, I'm not actually mad, just realized yesterday though that I am sad.  5 hours DNE 20, and a plane ticket costs more than a tank of gas.  I suppose it is time to start planning my family vacations to Baltimore... get ready to resurrect THE BIG TEAR, start in depth discussions about Beanie Baby bunnies, for me to keep cheering for the Colts even though I hardly even know where Indiana is, picking outfits for dolls that look like us, eating chocolate chip pancakes (with the appropriate amount of syrup of course), staying up late late late giggling times a million about who even knows what, practicing our gymnastics (you physcially, me mentally...as in via the Olympics and Shannon Miller), shopping for pj pants, ignoring each other (ahem, me ignoring you...still sorry for that one) on the first day of school, baking baking baking, Christmas parties, growing up from little bitty silly girls into beautiful, grown up, adult women who are getting married and becoming teachers, wives, and developing into servants of an awesome and mighty God.  Girl, I can't even believe how far we've come.  16 years.  Here's to the future of long-distance best friendship!  I love you, mbf.

 [We were very attractive in high school.  Very attractive.]

I sure am lucky to have been blessed enough to have so many beautiful, wonderful friends who mean so very much to me.  I am high on the list of of bad friends, and am so SO grateful for friends kind and wonderful enough to stick by me for the long haul.  Thank you, Lord.

"A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." -Prov 18:24

Just  a few more days until a much needed rest at home with Mom and Dad... so ready.

Until then.

Biblical Marriage

For Pre-Marital Counseling both Nick and I had to compose a Biblical definition of marriage.  Of course, as is anything I do which includes having to write something, mine was pages long and his was a nice, neat, concise long paragraph.  Regardless of those little details, I thought I would post it here because it was interesting to me, and because it stirred in me not only questions upon questions about married/planning-to-be-married people who have not planted their marriage in and upon Christ, but it also set in front of me some serious challenges for my upcoming (FAST!!!!) marriage, and reignited a passion and desire for in depth Bible study.  That being said, my definition: 

A Biblical marriage is one that first and foremost has Christ at the center (you know, the whole triangle analogy, as we draw closer to the Lord so also we draw closer to each other.]  Our ultimate purpose each day should be to glorify and serve God as we love one another, and out of the overflow of our service to God will (ideally) come a desire to honor and serve one another. 

A Biblical marriage should reflect that of the church’s marriage to Christ.  Just as Christ is the head of the church, his body of believers, so also the husband should be the head of the marriage relationship.  Paul writes also that husbands should love their wives as much as their own bodies, and take care of them, sacrifice for them, and protect them, just as Christ does for the church, his body and bride. 

A Biblical marriage should be one in which wives submit to their husbands as to the Lord.  According to the Merriam-Webster online dictionary, submit is defined to mean “yield oneself to the authority or will of another; to permit oneself to be subjected to something,” and so on.  Not once does it say, allow oneself to be walked on and ordered around by one’s authority; to let another person control and coerce you into servanthood, or anything else equally as demeaning.  Submitting oneself to the authority and will of another, the husband, is done out of love, respect, and honor to him.  And in return for said respect, the husband will love, care for, protect, and make sacrifices.  It is not a lordship, but an equal partnership in which both respective parties play their part in making the relationship work.  [Both submitting or both trying to be the leader would simply not work.] 

Eph 5 :21-30 says “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.  Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.  For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.  Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.  In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.  After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body."

A Biblical marriage is one in which both parties challenge and are challenged daily to become better and more devoted to one another and ultimately to God.  Hebrews chapter ten, in reference to the church, tells them to keep meeting together in His name, to “spur one another on toward love and good deeds,” to hold tight to what they claim to believe.  Those of us who choose to enter into a marriage that is founded on Scripture and in Christ are lucky enough to have a Christian partner by our side every day.  We should humble and submit ourselves enough to learn from one another how and grow from each other on a daily basis.  I believe one of God’s main purposes when He created marriage was to teach us how to better love and understand Him as we learn to love and understand one another. 

Just as we will be challenged every day to lay down our pride and selfish desires and motives to love and serve our spouse, so also we are called to lay down our pride and selfish ambitions and submit ourselves to Christ each day.  We will be challenged to display unconditional love, patience, forgiveness, humility, respect to one another, just as Christ daily demonstrates those characteristics to us.

Mental Health Night.

Last night I took a self-declared, much needed mental health night.  I finished work around five and did some of the things I love to unwind and take advantage of my evening off (skipped class).  I went to the grocery store (twice), which I LOVE to do.  [I recently decided I probably love grocery shopping, menu planning, and cooking for myself so much right now because amidst all the uncontrollables in life those are things I can actually have some say and control in.  ...ended a sentence with a preposition...bad.  whatever.]  Anyway, I went to the store, came home, sat around and did nothing, baked some (crumbly, but) yummmmy cookies, and shared some with the poor babies writing their senior integration papers.  [I say poor babies with the highest amounts of respect and sympathy, as well as empathy, as I know, as much as anyone, how aaawwwwffuuullll writing those papers can be.  Luckily it pays off in the end as a) you will be able to say you produced a short novel, in just a measly 3-6 weeks; b) you will have learned an ABUNDANCE of information; and c) you will feel INCREDIBLY accomplished and relieved, able to spend the rest of your semester away from the library and never doing another word study or reading a commentary again... ok, ok, we will all read commentaries again.  just no more word studies.  maybe.]


I went on to get a nice eight or nine hours of sleep and have class this morning canceled.  YES.

In other news, I have been very challenged in my thinking over the past few weeks, and by that I mean I have realized that the College of Ed may be trying to brainwash me and trick me into pushing my beliefs and morals to the backburner upon my entering the schools.  Lucky for me, a few wise individuals in my life as well as my good old intuition and moral code have begun to kick in, reminding me what it means to live a life that is in the world but not of the world.  I was reading in John 17 the passage in which Jesus prays for his disciples, preparing them for a time when he would no longer be with them, that they might live as he had, in the world, but not of it, that they would be one as Jesus was one with the Father.  Upon talking to one of said wise individuals in my life about my inhibitions and fears about becoming a teacher, about my worries that my beliefs will be challenged and I will be torn between standing up for what I know is right and having to tolerate and perhaps even ignore behaviors I know are wrong, about how I am scared, because I know what I believe and what is right and know that I am in the minority...so said wise person reminded me that, while it may seem like sometimes I am alone or in the very minority of believers and faithful, that given time, I will find others who are in the field as a ministry, they are just harder to see at first, when all I see and hear is negativity and conflicting ideas and thoughts.  [Holy rambling paragraph!]  As I was saying, Jesus is praying that God will band the disciples together, make them unified with each other and one with the Father, His Father, God!  Just as they were called to stand, unified, strong in what they believe, grounded and one with the Father, so too we are called to stand, unified, strong in what WE believe and grounded and one with our Father.  God is so good, and ultimately in the end he will win, he will win the battle against Satan and against this fallen world, and I am faithful to believe that is true! 

"I thank my God every time I remember you.  In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Phil 1:3-6

Recently.

  A million things to say but no words to say any of it.

"The LORD is my strength and my song;
       he has become my salvation.
       He is my God, and I will praise him,
       my father's God, and I will exalt him." 

Exodus 15:2

Taking Control.

1. To eat this week:  spaghetti and broccoli.
                                       grilled chicken salad and black beans.
                                       bbq chicken pizza and corn.
                                     
2. To work out this week: run at least twice before Friday.
                                                 bike at least twice before Friday.
                                                 lift at least three times before Friday.
                                                 do a lot of crunches.

3. To read this week: Cockroach.
                                         articles for [all] classes.
                                         TheImperishableSeed.com.
                                         blogs and stuff.

4. To plan: invitations.
                     think concretely about reception decor.
                     weekends until August :/ [oh wait..already done].

5. To write: letter to friend.
                       at least one more blog post.
                       my definition of Biblical marriage and why I want to marry Nick. [for counseling]
                       poem for class.

6. To do: survive while doing all those other things.

Schmenu plan..

Ok so I was a little lofty in my healthy eating goals for this week and forgot to consider anti-healthy food man aka Mr. Brown my fiance, who can somehow eat whatever he wants, whenever he wants, in whatever quantity he pleases, and fit in all his clothes still.  Oh to be a strong man who only works out twice a week and doesn't count a single calorie... ;)

But seriously, I did alright following the menu and eating breakfast and semi-healthy lunches.  And while I did not make it to the Rec... even once this week (dangit), I did workout at home every night I think.  Small lifting, workout video, and on-my-own stuff.  I have also been trying to get hotter legs (sorry any boys who read this), and thus have been doing lunges up and down the hallway from my bedroom to the kitchen almost every time I make the trip. 

That being said, this was a self-declared strength-training week, and I think I am caught up/actually ahead for once on homework for next week so I should be able to get back on track with the sister and the tri-training. 

Thursday nights are some of my favorite nights right now.  Almost every week without fail Nick and I (and Kai for at least some of the evening) sit down and watch most of the shows we have DVR'ed at his house.  [Burn Notice, The Office, Community, House, Biggest Loser, the list continues per how long all of us can actually stay awake.  The show-watching usually continues on Saturday afternoons and late nights.]  And we usually don't eat super healthy...like there is often some sort of ice cream involved... ;)  But I love it.  And I love Nick (and Kai, like a brother love).  I am SO excited to get married, by the way, and in 99 days I will be Mrs. Nick Brown!!!!!!!!!!!

I love love, and I thank my God for the love he has lavished upon in the form of relationships with other people. 

Menu Plan Monday.

More than almost anything I want to be organized and in control of my life.  I have a huge tendency to get overwhelmed and stressed (and in doing so take out said stress on the fiance'), and in this semester of a million and one things I have to work very hard to not go crazy.  That being said, I have been religiously writing in my planner and working pretty hard to stay on top of the reading and homework I have due each day in class.  (If you know me at all, you know this is a giant struggle of mine.) I have also been trying hard to think about whether or not the item of my stress is worth my emotional commitment.  I have also (also) been working on thinking in a more cyclical sense, in that I am attempting to look at issues and points or conflict from more than just my (super-stressed, tired, moody, grumpy, whiny, emotional) point of view, and to remember that no matter how much I think and wish certain someone(s) knew what I was thinking, keeping my mouth shut and pouting says nothing but "something is wrong and it is probably your fault, but I am too stubborn and grumpy to deal with it/you right now." 

This week I am doing a few things to continue becomming [more] organized:
1. MENU PLAN MONDAY!  - Ok, confession.  I LOVE mom's that blog all about their cute little lives, their kids, their husbands, their frugality, and most of all, their weekly menus!  I secretly (no longer secretly I guess) want to be just like that!  Super cute and fun and organized... and with time to blog and let people read all about my lovely life.

Glad I got that little secret out of there... Anyway, this week I am trying the whole menu-planning thing.  My mom used to have a little list of meals for the week on the fridge and let Sarah and I help pick what went on each day and go grocery shopping with her or my dad, and I loved that!  I also really think menu-planning will help me eat out less, save money, and be healthier.  So here is my first try:

Monday:
Black beans and brown rice
Chicken
Broccoli

Tuesday:
Chicken Stir Fry (which, btw, I am unsure of how to make...help?)
Brown Rice
Veggies

Wednesday:
Chicken Enchilladas
Chips and salsa
Corn

Thursday:
BBQ Chicken Pizza (homemade)
Broccoli

Friday:
TBD

Ooook, apparently all I eat is chicken.. whoops!  Blame that one on the good 'ol Campus Center.  MCC4L :)

Anyway, I love cooking and fixing meals and eating (lol), and definitely find making dinner to be a nice stress reliever and calming time for me, so hopefully this will be a good (better than last) week for me.

OH and in case anyone is wondering, triathlon training is...coming along.  PtL it is not until the end of summer or I would never have a chance at being in shape.  Registration is this month though, so soon there will be no backing down!

Anyway, rough last week means a better this week.  You look good, you feel good, right?  Let's hope so. 

Peace and Love.
:)

PS. I said I was working on a number of things, but now that I wrote that whole post about eating I can't seem to remember the rest.  Oh except I have been trying to wear matching socks more often.  Socks have never really been a huge priority to me in the past, but of late I have been working a tiny bit harder on making sure the socks I am wearing are at least right-side out and the same style.  Oh and clean...ish.  I just remembered that because I went to put on some socks.

Ok bye.

I QUIT.

Is workaholism and busyness and overcommitment even worth it?  I mean, I enjoy the spending money, and continue to believe that "later" this will all be worth it and "next year" will be so much better, but what about now?  Will there really ever be a next year or later, or is it, and I fear it may be, that tomorrow is not real, and today is all there is?  [Praise Jesus for the eternal tomorrow we have to hope (patiently) for.]  So what am I doing with my now?  I truly despise going to class three nights a week on top of the day, working all hours in between, and the homework and time that come on top of those things.  I am so tired on the weekend it is all I can do to do more than lay on the couch and watch tv and movies.  I am being pulled in so many different directions I cannot commit my whole heart, time, and attention to any one of them, so all of them suffer.  All of them. 

I need a break.

"Let the morning bring word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you.  Show me the way I should go, for to you I life up my soul.  Rescue me from my enemies, O Lord, for I hide myself in you.  Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground." -Ps 143:8-10

Day 6?

I was just thinking about how Sarah is out of town and thus my motivation to train is negative.  She is super encouraging and motivating and my favorite person to train with, and its hard to go without her!  SOooo, I decided to blog in order to document my discouragement, and find the motivation needed to get out of my apartment and to the rec.  Bahh. 

Our first week of training is close to over and I have not skipped a work out yet.  [This could potentially change tomorrow as I am leaving right after church for Western Kansas for the night, but Monday is a "free" day, so I could always make it up there.  But I am going to try to go before church tomorrow morning...fingers crossed.] 

Oh btw, I quite possibly chose the very worst semester ever to train for something, much less work, plan a wedding, have any friends, or do anything outside of school and homework.  I am taking a graduate level English class on top of sixteen other hours of classes and, after only syllabus day, feeling the weight of it all.  Dear Lord, keep me sane and let me end the semester with friends and my family and fiance still loving me.  Thanks, Amen. 

I am speaking at a high school purity conference tomorrow night, just for the girls, on finding your worth and identity in Christ.  If you think about me today or tomorrow say a prayer for me and especially for those girls that God would work on their hearts and teach them. 


"For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." Eph 2:10

Day 2 Training

Yesterday began Sarah's and my triathlon training.  The race is in July so we are starting now in order to complete the beginner training workout twice...so we will be super ready by then.  I am TIRED!  Sheesh.  But motivated and excited to prove my lovely fiance, sister, and mom wrong that I cannot commit to something and actually do it.  I'm planning to blog some about it as another form of accountability.

My last semester of classes starts tomorrow...what in the world!  Except I have one more class to take in the summer... but I'm not really counting it...

Wedding planning is coming along.  Four months and a day until we are married!!!!!!!!!  I wish it was tomorrow.  We started pre-marital counseling today, so in six weeks we should be super ready and the perfect couple.  Phew ;)

Mehhh, I'm tired.