Sometimes I wish I had the time [energy] to just mull through all the thoughts racing through my mind.
I feel like I am playing a part. Some stupid part. I am not flourishing. I am just acting in order to keep not only myself but my comfortable life safe. I am not truly experiencing life as it was created to experience. I am reading a book, well, I am reading four books, and just read two other books in the last two days, but that is besides the point.. I am reading a book entitled "The Me I Want to Be;" sounds corny, huh? It is a little... but it is also opening my eyes to how misguided I have let myself be and how I have allowed others the privelege of directing and controlling my life for me as opposed to allowing God that honor. Maybe not at first, but over years and years I have left the control room, and am just some passenger, not even flying first class, in my own life. I was created by a mysterious, wonderful, incredible God to live a life in which I actually feel alive and flourishing! More often than not, I feel as if I am simply filling a spot, living the life constructed for me by others, and not truly experiencing the glorious freedom I could be.
"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." - Gal 5:1
I sometimes truly do feel like a captive in my own life. I am stuck in a tiny little box, where no matter what decision I make I negatively impact someone I love and care about, and I am so unwilling to do that. Its like I can see the long-term affects, the impact on my own self and my marriage making specific choices could be, but I am so scared to trust God enough, to trust He is bigger than my "safe" little box, that He has a plan so much more awesome than mine, that He holds the hearts of my loved ones and wants to guide and direct them just as He wants to guide and direct me. I feel like I am standing at the edge of the box, looking over, to a scary, painful, exciting adventure, and am just to chicken to jump.
This doesn't make a lot of sense. I feel like I am on the verge of revolution in my life and heart and hope and pray I get out of His way and allow God to truly mold and make me His servant and let myself experience the life I was created to live...