Ideally.

I can expect and think and plan and dream and hope all I want, but unless those are rooted in the Lord, I will always get let down, I will always get hurt, I will always be disappointed. 

Self-Proclaimed Day Off

As I sit here, preparing to begin a paper I should have started days ago, with the last three weeks of school [including finals] looming above my head, I pause, and take a moment to reflect on this day before me.

Inside my head I am frantically trying to keep my head above the water that is so desperately pulling me under.  People to please and things to check off my list, papers to write and classes to finish. 

Outside my window it is gray and wet; the soft sound of a gentle spring rain echos.  Slow.  Peace.  Quiet.
  
Inside my room it is like a tornado went off in my closet and drawers, my clothes and shoes are strewn about like never before.

But outside, it is clean, fresh, renewed.


"...and He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away."  And He who sits on the throne said, "Behold, I am making all things new " And He said, "Write, for these words are faithful and true." -Rev 21:4-5

"...Therefore I have hope.  The LORD'S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, for His compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.  "The LORD is my portion," says my soul, "Therefore I have hope in Him."  The LORD is good to those who wait for Him, to the person who seeks Him." -Lam 3: 21-25  

The things I love.

This bloggy is a place for me to escape.  I typically write when I should be doing something else (this particular moment I should be showering, doing homework, or getting gas so I can drive to Junction in an hour... but whatever) in an effort to relieve some pressure and momentarily drift into a world of opportunity and irresponsibility. 

A quick shout-out to the weekend I had-- Thanks to so so many for being a special part of my life and aiding my preparation for marriage.  Thanks especially to Steph, Allison, and Lydia for planning and throwing the perfect shower (complete with my favorite chocolate chip cookies...which, by the way, I ate way too many of in high school and continue to do each time I am home) and involving so many of the women who mean so much to me and who have been an integral part of shaping me and helping make me the woman I am today.  Thank you also to Mom, Dad, Sarah, Mark, and the man I love the most--Nicholas R. Brown, for being so great and wonderful and fun. 

A few things that allow me sanity in this time of distress:

1. Sleeping past 8:00.  PtL for Tuesday and Thursday for that reason.  The rest of the day may be crazy busy and full and stressful and annoying... but seriously, getting to sleep until 8:15 or 8:30 is pure bliss. 

2. Free time.  I have none of it.  But the few moments I find in which I can stop, watch an episode of Glee or Grey's Anatomy or most FN shows, again, bliss.  I should be doing one of the 43 papers and/or projects that are due, buttttt I can't.  I just can't! 

3.  Time with the people I love.  I spent this weekend at home, seeing many of those who know me on a deep level and are a huge part of why I am the way I am, taking in the element of home, and making the most of time with those I love.  I am going to Lincoln to do the same this coming weekend, with the newer set of family and friends, whom I am so grateful have been placed in my life to love and be loved by. 

4. A God who never leaves and will always wait, regardless of how hard I try to handle and control things.  He waits.  He is still.  He is peace.  Thank you, Lord, for being the calm in the storm, the light in the dark, and the promise of everlasting eternity and hope. 

Grammar Police.

I was taught from a very young age to speak properly and use correct grammar.  As you most likely know, I am about to embark on a profession in which I will teach said grammar, among other equally important things, to middle adolescent students.  I believe strongly that you sound more educated and present a better representation of the community you belong to if you speak and write with correct form. 

Most people feel differently.

I get that.

But seriously.  I cringe at poorly written texts and am distracted when speakers present something incorrectly.  I know I am not the only one!  I do not disregard what one has written or is saying, but my interpretation is slightly tainted by the mistake.  I do not think one to be stupid or uneducated should they make mistakes, and I recognize that I am not a perfect writer, speaker, speller, etc.  However, I feel as though I am making great efforts to be such a thing. 

I know the majority of the population disagrees.  I know that, in the long run, the big picture, it is pretty irrelevant.  But sfdjkfhsjdhfjshjkfh it is making me crazy! 

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." -Phil 4:7

:) 

This is the day that the Lord has made.

Sometimes I have to physically stop and look at what is happening around me.  As I was telling a friend last night, it is wayyy easier to see all the negative, hard, stressful aspects of my busy life than to see the blessings and positive characteristics.  I have made a new commitment to wake up every day and see God in my morning, and ask him to be present throughout my day.  I am so grateful to have a God, a friend, who is always ready and waiting for me even when I am inconsistent in my attention to him.  You know, sometimes it just takes a major out pour of emotions and sharing of life with another person to see and hear how much I have going for me.  Thank you, Lord, for being faithful, and thank you, Lord for remembering me.

Not all of it, but a good portion of my attitude is a choice, and that choice is often clouded by negative activity and emotion.  Today I choose to taste and see that the Lord is good.

"The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them.  Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him." -Psalm 24:7-8


"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." -Rom 8:28

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." -James 1:2-4

"The LORD has done this, and it is marvelous in our eyes.  This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." -Psalm 118:23-24

A ME kind of day.

This was one of those days I felt really like myself.  No one to impress, no image to live up, no schedule to keep.  Sun was shinin, and I felt truly happy.  It was one of those run in the morning, drive with the windows down and music blaring, sunburn on my nose kind of days.  One of those only girly songs kind of days.  I feel empowered, loved, and in love.  Beautiful.  

Insecurity City, Population Me.

Sooo after much denial and ignoring my problem(s), and I have a large number of them, I have decided to get a handle on it. them. err.. anyway.  I am making yet another attempt to take back control (darn you life trying to steal it from me) of my life. 
 ---SIDE NOTE: Marion and Nick are talking politics in here and have been for at least 37 minutes.  Shoot me in the foot.  I highly d i s l i k e politics, and even more cannot stand discussing them.  I tried to listen for at least 7 of said minutes, and was very much embarassed by my lack of knowledge and intelligence, and have since jumped on the couch, eating approximately 700 calories worth of ice cream, written a short novel, saved a child from drowning, and decided to write this blog post---
ANYWAY.  Due to my extensive experience with counseling (ie. training for camp team and RA four times, miniscule amount of fam/couns. classes, a few emails exchanged with the great and genius Dr. D., and of course, pre-marital counseling) I have been able to self-diagnose my INCREDIBLY obvious case of insecurity.  i.am.insecure.  PHEW that feels good to get out there.  I'm actually not sure why I decided to post this, but since I read so many blogs [embarassed] and those wonderful people are so transparent with their lives, and I typically find myself associating with said lives and transparency, I will share. 

Somewhere along the way Beth Moore decided she would write a book about me, and then take said book on tour and make boo coo [Americanized version of the French term beaucoup meaning much or many] moneys and have loads of fun times talking to every woman ever about it.  Talk about unfair.  [jk to the max, btw, her book is SO good.]  But seriously, her newest book So Long Insecurity is phenomenal and speaking directly to me, thank you Lord for Beth Moore and her book!  The best part about it is it is completely based in Scripture and research and all points straight back to God being our supreme healer and source of security and peace.  ["I have chosen you and have not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God." -Isaiah 41:9-10]  There have been a couple of sections that I have read and seriously been like, whaaaat, how does she know me?!  I have only gotten so far as some of the root causes of insecurity, and, like I said, Beth Moore seriously wrote this book about me! 

"But a history of unwelcomed changes can be a breeding ground for insecurity, because it invites you to become addicted to dread.  You learn to live life with the constant expectation that something bad is about to happen.  And because life is life, eventually something back will happen, deepening your committment to forecasting doom.  You develop into your own false prophet, and if you don't stop yourself, you won't rest until you're proved true.  It's a miserable trap of self-inflicted insecurity.  You can cheat yourself of ever enjoying the terrific season you're experiencing because you're waiting any moment for it to change--and always for the worst... The truth is, God uses change to change us.  He doesn't use it to destroy us or to distract us but to coax us to the next level of character, experience, compassion, and destiny (79-80)."  

"Even when you are old, I will be the same.  Even when your hair has turned gray, I will take care of you.  I made you and will take care of you.  I will carry you and save you." -Isaiah 46:4 

"Whatever is good and perfect comes down to us from God our Father, who created all the lights in the heavens.  He never changes or casts a shifting shadow.  He chose to give birth to us by giving us his true word.  And we, out of all creation, became his prized possession." -James 1:16-18  

Hello insecurity, it's been nice knowin ya.

Politics?  Schmolitics. 

Peace and Love. and God.  But mostly just God.