Remember Me...

For the past couple of weeks I just have not been able to put my thoughts into words. Too much stuff going on to process it all. All I do is go to class, work, and read and discuss books (which I really enjoy as much as I sometimes dread and say I hate it). Oh and I do get to spend some quality time with a few really great people. I am so thankful for laughter and barbecues and turkey sandwiches... :)

So I guess I made it to Spring Break, and ended up having a (kind of boring but also) a restful, uneventful time. Sarah and I hung out basically nonstop and it was just the best. We are so funny :) I saw some good, old friends and was reminded of so many times and memories that are not worth forgetting. [5 years last Sunday. RIP Van-C and Praise God for his hand and mighty strength] It is hard to go back sometimes. Those people were such a huge part of my life for so many years and the miles make many of those relationships difficult to maintain. It is sad, and a part of me would love to go back forever and never change, but another part of me loves the life I lead now and the ways I (and we all) have changed and grown up. I think people come in and out of our lives for different seasons to be used by God to teach and encourage us. God has blessed me in so many places with so many incredible friends and I am eternally grateful for the impact they have all had on my life. I only hope that the impact I have on others is half as great as the one they have all had on me.

A little buzz-word that has been floating around my vocabulary this year is "intentional." Living on purpose, with a purpose. Making informed, wise decisions and considering the effect they will have on the lives around you. Living above reproach, because it is the right thing to do. Making the extra effort in relationships, because not everyone does. Sometimes you never know who needs just a minute to share whats on their heart, but no one will give them the time of day or listen for a response when asked "How are you?" As a matter of fact, a wise man once told me that when someone asks you what you think on a matter, they don't necessarily want to hear what you think. On the contrary they are looking for someone to listen to them and give them the opportunity to share what they think. I think too often I will take any and every opportunity to share my opinions with anyone who will give me the time of day, maybe its time to shut my mouth and listen.

"...take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you. Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says." James 1:19-22

hold on, what?

So wait, if its not all about freedom in Christ, about a life that is better despite circumstances, about having a friend and savior who will never abandon or let you down, about a hope that will outlast all others, about forgiveness and grace, about joy amidst a dark and confused place, about abundant unconditional love, then what is it about? Did I forget to learn apologetics? Can I even explain this? All these twenty-two years and the only thing I can do is tell you how great God is? Where is the depth? Where is my proof? I think I forgot to learn more than faith and emotions. Ten years ago this might have been alright, but why am I just now being challenged on the things I think? I don't know enough.

I'm not saying I don't still believe those things, nor am I even remotely doubting the presence or reality of God nor the validity of the faith I hold so tightly to. I'm just saying that the emotions and feelings alone aren't good enough for people anymore. The blind faith I subscribed to for so long isn't going to mean anything to people who don't believe in it and haven't experienced it.

I wish I had taken more time and paid more attention in any class, done a little more research, made just a tiny bit more of an effort, and could defend the faith I hold so tightly to a tad more accurately. I don't know enough. I couldn't do well in a debate about the logistics of the Bible and the why and how of Christianity. I can tell you what God has done/is doing in my life. I can tell you how evident and present he is in my every day. I can tell you about love, mercy, and hope. But how can I begin to explain my emotions and experiences to someone who has never been there?

I don't know enough.

"But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5 8

"For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39

36 down, 13 to go!

Somehow I have magically completed 16 steps of my paper without even realizing it. Last night I'm sure I had 29 left, now I have 13... and I only remember doing like, 4 of those.. if even that many. Seriously though, the hours pass like minutes. My next break (current break) was going to include a shower which I, perhaps unwisely, just decided against. I continue to drink coffee, not black though (gross. liquid dirt in a cup. sick). Instead it is much more like my mom's "foo-foo" coffee that actually tastes like something, as well as I can tolerate it hitting my taste buds.

After 1:30 tomorrow I am giving up pop and coffee (seriously, when did I start drinking Mountain Dew VOLTAGE???), pizza more than once a week, staying up all night, not working out, wearing the same jeans more than once (err, three times), staying in my room for hours, reading, writing papers, studying, going to the library, class... hold on, no.

Lets just say I'll do some laundry, go to the rec, and start doing my reading (all of it) for class after tomorrow? Yah. That should work.

I need more coffee, some m&ms and the Word Biblical Commentary on Galatians 1, 2 and 19.

My life is in shambles ;)cute: