Becoming Less

ALERT: NEW BLOG!!! :)

2010-09-17T19:00:00.001-07:00

Hello friends!

I am starting a new blog!

http://nickandhannahbrown.blogspot.com/

Please please please come re-follow me! Sorry for the hassle :/

Hope you are all doing great! I love to read your blogs! (And lots of blogs of those I don't even know!) So much fun to be able to share and grow together in such a huge and unique community!

Love and Blessings :)

HannahEBrown

Fresh Start

2010-09-12T08:03:00.000-07:00

Ahh.

Since I last posted weeks ago, many things have changed. I no longer work at MCC (but somehow have managed to still physically be in Admissions at least three or more days a week), I now wake up before 6:00am, (a time which I only knew to exist a few days of the year, NOT every!), I am an (almost-) official teacher, aka student-teacher with the BEST cooperating teacher on the planet, and just switched from Tmobile to Sprint. Holy changes, Batman, I know! OH and today starts Day 1 of P90x (which we have to do, because we spent the money on it and committed to doing it).

I am also still working through some sort of emotional, mental, spiritual crisis, but am seeking guidance from our Lord and some close friends to do so. I think a million and one months of stress, overcommittment, busyness, lack of time devoted to the right things and people, and years of other issues are finally coming to a head and seeping out from under that rug under which I have been sweeping them. Lots of things were revealed to me during our pre-marital counseling and now continue to be as I no longer live in just my room or apartment, but share so much more of my time and myself with another person. Thank you Lord for healing, forgiveness, and peace found only in You

2010-08-17T05:32:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wish I had the time [energy] to just mull through all the thoughts racing through my mind.

I feel like I am playing a part. Some stupid part. I am not flourishing. I am just acting in order to keep not only myself but my comfortable life safe. I am not truly experiencing life as it was created to experience. I am reading a book, well, I am reading four books, and just read two other books in the last two days, but that is besides the point.. I am reading a book entitled "The Me I Want to Be;" sounds corny, huh? It is a little... but it is also opening my eyes to how misguided I have let myself be and how I have allowed others the privelege of directing and controlling my life for me as opposed to allowing God that honor. Maybe not at first, but over years and years I have left the control room, and am just some passenger, not even flying first class, in my own life. I was created by a mysterious, wonderful, incredible God to live a life in which I actually feel alive and flourishing! More often than not, I feel as if I am simply filling a spot, living the life constructed for me by others, and not truly experiencing the glorious freedom I could be.

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." - Gal 5:1

I sometimes truly do feel like a captive in my own life. I am stuck in a tiny little box, where no matter what decision I make I negatively impact someone I love and care about, and I am so unwilling to do that. Its like I can see the long-term affects, the impact on my own self and my marriage making specific choices could be, but I am so scared to trust God enough, to trust He is bigger than my "safe" little box, that He has a plan so much more awesome than mine, that He holds the hearts of my loved ones and wants to guide and direct them just as He wants to guide and direct me. I feel like I am standing at the edge of the box, looking over, to a scary, painful, exciting adventure, and am just to chicken to jump.

This doesn't make a lot of sense. I feel like I am on the verge of revolution in my life and heart and hope and pray I get out of His way and allow God to truly mold and make me His servant and let myself experience the life I was created to live...

no title today.

2010-07-29T19:14:00.000-07:00

Living alone is the pits. I want my husband back from CIY now please.

In two days I will have completed a triathlon (sprint-style, don't be too impressed).

I love to watch Ace of Cakes. Ok I love to watch the Food Network. All the time.

I ~~want~~ need some ice cream.

I also ~~need~~ want to lose like 7 pounds.

Maybe when I'm done with this ~~stupid~~ darn triathlon.

I finished my last college class ever. And by ever I most likely do not mean ever. Unfortunately. But for this degree, I just finished my last college class everrrrr! I graduate in December. My last name is Brown now, in case you need to know for the presents you are going to send... ;)

The End.

happy happy joy joy

2010-07-23T21:15:00.000-07:00

I am so full of joy. I feel like the old saying my cup runneth over could be applied to me right now, as, though I have my problems and hard things in my life, the blessings seem to far outweigh the pitfalls. In an effort to a) blog more, and b) kill time waiting for my husband [I just love to refer to him as that], I will list some of the many things I love/that bring me joy:

#1: Dark Chocolate Peanut M&Ms. GIFT FROM THE LORD!!! Nick got me [us] a bag of these, plus a bag of peanut-free ones, for our two month-iversary of marriage, along with two-dozen roses and two bananas. Does the man know the way to my heart or what? Throw in two turkey sandwiches and two Francine Rivers books and I am good to go for days! But seriously. These perfectly wonderful dark delicacies are perhaps my very most favorite food and if calories (and my waist-line) were of no matter to me, the candies would be a part of my every single day diet. Darn you calories!!! ;)

#2: Speaking of calories, I really enjoy websites that allow you to type in almost every single food EVER under the sun and they tell you how many calories per each food. This is a blessing and a serious burden all at the same time, as in the past, I could just assume Birthday Cake Remix from Coldstone only had like 210 calories per each "Love It" size serving... unfortunately not the case. However, it does allow me to appear incredibly healthy and intelligent as I regail others with my extensive knowledge of the caloric world.

#3: New Bible Study on Monday nights! God has really been laying it on my heart (and I do not use those words lightly) to do something like this, and I am so excited to see where he takes us over the coming weeks. So blessed to have such great and Godly women in my life encouraging me and lifting me up. Only a few more weeks until the rest of them are back to town [of course always minus a few beloved friends from the great state of OK!] But seriously, God is so good to me and ever humbling me through this. Excited!

#4: The aformentioned turkey sandwiches. I LOVE a good ol' turkey sandwich. They are best in the summer too because tomatoes are more prevalent and I am more apt to buy lettuce and we just got some flat/skinny bagels and sandwich thins with the grains and seeds on top and I am just delighted to eat a sandwich for lunch almost every day! Yumm yum yum :) [If you aren't following, the way to my heart is simple: buy me some chocolate and make me a sandwich and hang out with me. the end.]

Juuusssst kidding, not the end!

There are two more things that brings me joy today:

#5: The power of a faithful and praying people, coming together and uniting for one purpose, lifting up our brothers in Christ, and BELIEVING that God has the power to perform healing miracles! I have been seriously moved this week by the demonstration of God's love this week specifically in two great families in our church here in Manhattan. Too long of a story for me to tell, but basically one man needed a liver transplant, so another man donated a part of his. Surgery was yesterday, both men are in recovery today. GOD IS SO GOOD, AMEN! If you have a moment to spare, lift up their recovery to our awesome Lord, as it is a slow and probably painful road ahead, but that road includes life, which is what matters! PTL!

and #6: I am so overly filled with joy to be spending all my days with the love of my life and husband of 69 days. Each day I am challenged again to be selfless and love another more than myself, and each day I learn more about patience, grace, and forgiveness as it is unconditionally demonstrated to me. Each day I learn more and more about the loving God as his relationship to us is one of unconditional devotion and patience and grace, as ours should be toward one another.

Blessed blessed blessed blessed blessed.

‎"And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven. Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective." - James 5:15-16

2010-07-23T07:03:00.000-07:00

I firmly believe that God has the power to perform miracles, in Bible times and still today. They may not look like New Testament miracles; he may not be changing water into wine, feeding a multitude with a small boy's measly lunch, or walking on water; but they are happening and every single day. I truly believe this.

God is so good.

the heart of God

2010-07-12T21:17:00.000-07:00

Challenged. To be like Christ. To live a life worthy of the call. To trust. To follow. To love. To have a heart, that is like the heart of God. Matt (her husband) preached yesterday about having a heart that is like God's. At the end of the service he showed some pictures and talked about the mass murders and devestation in Nigeria done to the Christians there, about how those who lived did not curse or hate those who did the deed, but instead forgave them and gave glory to God for his mercy. What a testimony to us, what an example of the way we ought to revere and praise God for his plans, his power, his grace, the list could go on.

Jesus says in the fifth chapter of Matthew "You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous." The Nigerians seem to have that figured out, that we are to see people through the eyes of Jesus, that we are to love with the heart of God, selflessly, and without judgment.

It's funny, sometimes, the places and the vehicles God uses to teach us. Two weeks ago I went to a junior high camp in the middle of western Kansas on a lake, with one of my dear friends and past roommates, and seriously was just as challenged as those students, and really probably more. Among the sweat, bugs, foul smells, and sleeping on the ground, I saw God, and I was pushed and challenged to become selfless, sacrifice for those around me, see people through His eyes, and serve with my whole self. Teaching and encouraging the younger girls was such an inspiration to me to better do the things we expected out of them. So often I found myself frustrated, annoyed because they didn't seem to be getting it, didn't seem to grasp the concepts, couldn't look past their own needs and desires and see the world outside their own. Sounds kind of like God with us, huh? He teaches us, encourages, gently prods us, and yet we are so self-absorbed and blind to him and the lives around us that we miss out on so much growth, experience, awesome God-filled life that we could be having! What are we doing?!

The worst is that we know. So many of us have experienced and known God in such incredible ways, but are so drawn to serving and living for ourselves that we exchange the AWEsome, Christ-centered, rewarding, JOYful life for a second-rate, self-fulfilling, empty life spent searching for ways to fill a void only He can fill.

Big things are happening. I feel like God is on the verge of some seriously awesome work and movement in my life and hopefully the lives around me. Lord, fill me like a vessel so much that I would overflow; use me to reach those who do not know the greatness of your love.

Oh and ps: Nick and I are great, marriage is great, fun, hard, and rewarding. I love my life, am content with my location, and really feel like God continues every day to reveal himself more to me and grow me closer to him as well as to Nick. Praise the Lord!

campcampcampcampcamp!

2010-06-26T14:43:00.000-07:00

If you know me at all, you know I love camp. I spent two summers of my collegiate life travelling and recruiting for Manhattan Christian College at different camps and conferences each week, as well as have been to many since then. If life was a dream, I would live at camp.

Tomorrow, I leave for a camp in Western Kansas called Boondocker with my former roommate Katie Schemm. I am SO excited! Not only am I beyond pumped to spend five days in the "wilderness" with one of the best people ever, but I am so excited to get away from work (the desk/air conditioning part), hang out with Jr High students, and spend some quality time with my God in the midst of one of his finest creations: nature. This will be my third time at Boondocker, and I have been so blessed each summer by the awesome kids and youth workers who attend. There is a passion for Jesus and students that exude and overflow from these people, and it is inspiring and contagious. I am seriously so blessed to be able to hang out with them for a week!

Lots of prayers that God will work and break hearts for his glory this week.

Then at the end of the week, my dear, long time friend Alli Woods will become a Wilde, as she marries one of the finest, most caring men on the planet. They are going to do great things, and I am so glad to have them as a part of my life!

Excited for life. Glad to have the means, time, and capacity to be a part of so many things.

"Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should." -Eph 6:19-20

TO-DO

2010-06-26T06:28:00.000-07:00

This summer one of my bigger life-encompassing goals has been to quit being so task-driven, and start being more life-driven. I have an unfortunate tendency to overcommit my time so that I end up living from one task or event to the next, counting down the days until my next day off, only to find it filled with all the stuff I never got done the weeks before.

I have been semi-successful...until now. The next seven weeks are pretty much jam-packed with work, camp, weddings, trips, graduations, events, class, and then school starts.

Mad.

post-wed life

2010-05-29T20:22:00.000-07:00

1. I am officially a married woman, and feel...basically the same. Minus the fact that I am WAY happier without all that darn stress. Like I am a million times less mean and crazy now that I am done with a 20-hour semester and all that planning and work that my mom did...speaking of, thanks mom! Shoot, she did so so so much work. The best. But anyway, marriage is super fun and I really like it.

2. Right now I am at a party and we are watching the Suns and the Lakers. In case anyone was wondering, I do not enjoy NBA basketball and think it is boring and dumb.

3. Also in case someone was wondering, I hate bug bites. Currently I have approximately 437 bug bites from my toes all the way up to my nose and every single one itches all the time like I have chicken pox. Worthless. HAVE NO FEAR though, I got some bug spray, the kind you can sweat in, because seriously who isn't sweating during the summer outside regardless of the time of day, a citronella candle, and am about to purchase one of those clip-on bug repellers and am stoked to try it out! :)

4. We have SO much stuff. Like, most of our new and cool gifts are open and put away, with the exception of a small pile of things to return, and are left with all our old, dumb stuff. Our stuff isn't actually dumb, just boring because we already knew we had it and actually have to put it away now. But don't worry, the kitchen is clean and there is nothing in the bathroom sink so we're good.

5. Nick and I combined have so many clothes! Please come buy them from us. With my permission. As in you can have anything I bought before the year 2008. Scratch that. You can have all but those new dresses I got from Target and my cotton v-necks. And you can have most of the clothes from before Nick and I started dating and I started buying him Gap clothes on sale. :)

6. I love my friends. The only downside to marriage is that we don't get to have other roommates anymore. Living with Nick is seriously thebomb.com, but I wish we could have all our friends just take turns living in the guest bedroom. (Not an actual offer for friends to come live with us.) But I do miss Marion (almost typed @MariLibrari, whoops) and I know Nick misses Kai and sort of wish we could all just be next door neighbors.

The End.

Finals Schminals.

2010-05-11T22:22:00.000-07:00

Its like every semester I forget.
I HATE FINALS WEEK.
Late late nights are super grand...until the next morning when time doesn't stop and you have to go to work and pick up your marriage license and turn in a paper and dip oreo balls and roll up tortillas and eat at your grandpa's and lose three pounds before Saturday because you have eaten SO much to try and stay awake and functioning this week.
Sitting in bed all day studying is fine too...until you realize even though you just read through an entire semester's worth of powerpoints it makes little difference in the amount you learned in the class and you find out that maybe, just maybe, you should have done more of the required reading so when you have to identify five different passages of poems and tell about their significance, as well as write a three-page in-class essay regarding the influence of gender and class on women writer's in the Victorian era, you might have a clue what you are talking about.
Reading articles and looking at funny websites is super and all...until you remember the ten-page paper you STILL have managed to put off and the bottle of MD Voltage that is quickly losing its effect on your staying awake abilities and all the snacks you justified eating by pretending they would help you stay awake to do that paper.
Pretending all the wedding plans will just magically pull themselves off is great and stuff...until you remember you have yet to make any sort of dent in moving out of your room and into your new apartment and the couch is being delivered tomorrow and you haven't got bridesmaid's gifts finished or even started on the programs or helped your mom with the food even a tiny bit or figured out who will light all those tiny little tea lite (sp?) candles before the guests arrive at the reception or who is actually going to make the church look like it isn't a gym and what song we will leave to and what pen to write in the guest book with and what I am going to wear that is blue and how we are all going to be ready by picture time.
Accidentally forgetting to work out the last month has been nice and all...but now its wedding time and I have to wear a strapless dress that shows my non-model-like arms [lol, like my arms will ever be model-like, bahaha] and my chiseled back, and I have to LGN and goodness knows I definitely do not and the six-pack abs I was thinking would just magically appear despite the cookies I thought I just had to have those twelve times and the pecan roll at Panera that looked so yummy but wasn't and all that dreadful time I spent looking at Facebook or wasted sitting in class instead of going to the rec like I wanted to...

Anyway. I hate finals week. And ten-page stupid papers about some book I don't even care a lick about and I ran out of cereal this morning so I don't have any for breakfast and I would like to lose three pounds tomorrow and have like forty zillion things to do before Saturday, bah!

Bridezilla.

2010-05-10T08:38:00.000-07:00

Ok ok ok. I'm not saying I am nor will I become in the next nine days a bridezilla, BUT, and I say this with complete seriousness (well, as serious as you can be when you use any word with the suffix -zilla on it) it would not be hard to become one.

"To be or not to be...a bridezilla?" -Candice Lewis.

But anyway.

My [our] wedding is in t-minus five days and it still feels pretty surreal to me. Not saying I'm not totally ready and stoked, just feels so unreal. [That may have something to do with the 8-page research paper and two finals looming over my head...but whatever.]

In other important news, Nick graduated from MCC on Saturday! Wahooooie! Way to go! So did Kai and Marion!

Anyway, stress levels are through the roof, tears are always at bay, emotions are soaring in every direction, and to-do lists are never-ending! BUT it is all worth it, because at the end of this week, I will be the luckiest girl in the world, married to the man I love more than any other man. I am blessed, and so happy to have so many wonderful people surrounding me and loving me. Praise the Lord!

Special shout-out to all mothers, most importantly mine of course: You raise us and you teach us to do what is right, in hopes we will grow up to be loving, caring, wise, passionate, devoted people who desire to love the Lord above all others and let that love overflow into every area of our lives. You let us cry, you listen to our problems no matter how petty or ridiculous, and you tell us we are special, beautiful, and the very best. Mom's are better people than most, as they sacrifice their time, money, and happiness so that we, their children, their incredibly blessed and spoiled children, may have the things we think we need. Thank you, mom, for giving so much. Thank you moms, for being so special.

Ideally.

2010-04-23T13:40:00.000-07:00

I can expect and think and plan and dream and hope all I want, but unless those are rooted in the Lord, I will always get let down, I will always get hurt, I will always be disappointed.

Self-Proclaimed Day Off

2010-04-22T08:17:00.000-07:00

As I sit here, preparing to begin a paper I should have started days ago, with the last three weeks of school [including finals] looming above my head, I pause, and take a moment to reflect on this day before me.

Inside my head I am frantically trying to keep my head above the water that is so desperately pulling me under. People to please and things to check off my list, papers to write and classes to finish.

Outside my window it is gray and wet; the soft sound of a gentle spring rain echos. Slow. Peace. Quiet.

Inside my room it is like a tornado went off in my closet and drawers, my clothes and shoes are strewn about like never before.

But outside, it is clean, fresh, renewed.

"...and He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away." And He who sits on the throne said, "Behold, I am making all things new " And He said, "Write, for these words are faithful and true." -Rev 21:4-5

"...Therefore I have hope. The LORD'S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. "The LORD is my portion," says my soul, "Therefore I have hope in Him." The LORD is good to those who wait for Him, to the person who seeks Him." -Lam 3: 21-25

The things I love.

2010-04-20T09:33:00.000-07:00

This bloggy is a place for me to escape. I typically write when I should be doing something else (this particular moment I should be showering, doing homework, or getting gas so I can drive to Junction in an hour... but whatever) in an effort to relieve some pressure and momentarily drift into a world of opportunity and irresponsibility.

A quick shout-out to the weekend I had-- Thanks to so so many for being a special part of my life and aiding my preparation for marriage. Thanks especially to Steph, Allison, and Lydia for planning and throwing the perfect shower (complete with my favorite chocolate chip cookies...which, by the way, I ate way too many of in high school and continue to do each time I am home) and involving so many of the women who mean so much to me and who have been an integral part of shaping me and helping make me the woman I am today. Thank you also to Mom, Dad, Sarah, Mark, and the man I love the most--Nicholas R. Brown, for being so great and wonderful and fun.

A few things that allow me sanity in this time of distress:

1. Sleeping past 8:00. PtL for Tuesday and Thursday for that reason. The rest of the day may be crazy busy and full and stressful and annoying... but seriously, getting to sleep until 8:15 or 8:30 is pure bliss.

2. Free time. I have none of it. But the few moments I find in which I can stop, watch an episode of Glee or Grey's Anatomy or most FN shows, again, bliss. I should be doing one of the 43 papers and/or projects that are due, buttttt I can't. I just can't!

3. Time with the people I love. I spent this weekend at home, seeing many of those who know me on a deep level and are a huge part of why I am the way I am, taking in the element of home, and making the most of time with those I love. I am going to Lincoln to do the same this coming weekend, with the newer set of family and friends, whom I am so grateful have been placed in my life to love and be loved by.

4. A God who never leaves and will always wait, regardless of how hard I try to handle and control things. He waits. He is still. He is peace. Thank you, Lord, for being the calm in the storm, the light in the dark, and the promise of everlasting eternity and hope.

Grammar Police.

2010-04-14T11:09:00.000-07:00

I was taught from a very young age to speak properly and use correct grammar. As you most likely know, I am about to embark on a profession in which I will teach said grammar, among other equally important things, to middle adolescent students. I believe strongly that you sound more educated and present a better representation of the community you belong to if you speak and write with correct form.

Most people feel differently.

I get that.

But seriously. I cringe at poorly written texts and am distracted when speakers present something incorrectly. I know I am not the only one! I do not disregard what one has written or is saying, but my interpretation is slightly tainted by the mistake. I do not think one to be stupid or uneducated should they make mistakes, and I recognize that I am not a perfect writer, speaker, speller, etc. However, I feel as though I am making great efforts to be such a thing.

I know the majority of the population disagrees. I know that, in the long run, the big picture, it is pretty irrelevant. But sfdjkfhsjdhfjshjkfh it is making me crazy!

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." -Phil 4:7

:)

This is the day that the Lord has made.

2010-04-13T05:43:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I have to physically stop and look at what is happening around me. As I was telling a friend last night, it is wayyy easier to see all the negative, hard, stressful aspects of my busy life than to see the blessings and positive characteristics. I have made a new commitment to wake up every day and see God in my morning, and ask him to be present throughout my day. I am so grateful to have a God, a friend, who is always ready and waiting for me even when I am inconsistent in my attention to him. You know, sometimes it just takes a major out pour of emotions and sharing of life with another person to see and hear how much I have going for me. Thank you, Lord, for being faithful, and thank you, Lord for remembering me.

Not all of it, but a good portion of my attitude is a choice, and that choice is often clouded by negative activity and emotion. Today I choose to taste and see that the Lord is good.

"The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them. Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him." -Psalm 24:7-8

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." -Rom 8:28

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." -James 1:2-4

"The LORD has done this, and it is marvelous in our eyes. This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." -Psalm 118:23-24

A ME kind of day.

2010-04-10T20:22:00.000-07:00

This was one of those days I felt really like myself. No one to impress, no image to live up, no schedule to keep. Sun was shinin, and I felt truly happy. It was one of those run in the morning, drive with the windows down and music blaring, sunburn on my nose kind of days. One of those only girly songs kind of days. I feel empowered, loved, and in love. Beautiful.

Insecurity City, Population Me.

2010-04-07T22:18:00.000-07:00

Sooo after much denial and ignoring my problem(s), and I have a large number of them, I have decided to get a handle on it. them. err.. anyway. I am making yet another attempt to take back control (darn you life trying to steal it from me) of my life.
---SIDE NOTE: Marion and Nick are talking politics in here and have been for at least 37 minutes. Shoot me in the foot. I highly d i s l i k e politics, and even more cannot stand discussing them. I tried to listen for at least 7 of said minutes, and was very much embarassed by my lack of knowledge and intelligence, and have since jumped on the couch, eating approximately 700 calories worth of ice cream, written a short novel, saved a child from drowning, and decided to write this blog post---
ANYWAY. Due to my extensive experience with counseling (ie. training for camp team and RA four times, miniscule amount of fam/couns. classes, a few emails exchanged with the great and genius Dr. D., and of course, pre-marital counseling) I have been able to self-diagnose my INCREDIBLY obvious case of insecurity. i.am.insecure. PHEW that feels good to get out there. I'm actually not sure why I decided to post this, but since I read so many blogs [embarassed] and those wonderful people are so transparent with their lives, and I typically find myself associating with said lives and transparency, I will share.

Somewhere along the way Beth Moore decided she would write a book about me, and then take said book on tour and make boo coo [Americanized version of the French term beaucoup meaning much or many] moneys and have loads of fun times talking to every woman ever about it. Talk about unfair. [jk to the max, btw, her book is SO good.] But seriously, her newest book So Long Insecurity is phenomenal and speaking directly to me, thank you Lord for Beth Moore and her book! The best part about it is it is completely based in Scripture and research and all points straight back to God being our supreme healer and source of security and peace. ["I have chosen you and have not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God." -Isaiah 41:9-10] There have been a couple of sections that I have read and seriously been like, whaaaat, how does she know me?! I have only gotten so far as some of the root causes of insecurity, and, like I said, Beth Moore seriously wrote this book about me!

"But a history of unwelcomed changes can be a breeding ground for insecurity, because it invites you to become addicted to dread. You learn to live life with the constant expectation that something bad is about to happen. And because life is life, eventually something back will happen, deepening your committment to forecasting doom. You develop into your own false prophet, and if you don't stop yourself, you won't rest until you're proved true. It's a miserable trap of self-inflicted insecurity. You can cheat yourself of ever enjoying the terrific season you're experiencing because you're waiting any moment for it to change--and always for the worst... The truth is, God uses change to change us. He doesn't use it to destroy us or to distract us but to coax us to the next level of character, experience, compassion, and destiny (79-80)."

"Even when you are old, I will be the same. Even when your hair has turned gray, I will take care of you. I made you and will take care of you. I will carry you and save you." -Isaiah 46:4

"Whatever is good and perfect comes down to us from God our Father, who created all the lights in the heavens. He never changes or casts a shifting shadow. He chose to give birth to us by giving us his true word. And we, out of all creation, became his prized possession." -James 1:16-18

Hello insecurity, it's been nice knowin ya.

Politics? Schmolitics.

Peace and Love. and God. But mostly just God.

this is my prayer in the desert.

2010-03-30T12:26:00.000-07:00

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship.

My purpose is not serving other people.
My purpose is not pleasing other people.
My purpose is not to be perfect.

I am fallible; I will fail; I do fail. Perfection is unattainable.

["This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus." -Rom 3:22-24]

My purpose is to serve a God who is worthy of my praise.
My purpose is to live a life to please my God.
My purpose is to strive to live a life that reflects the perfection found in God.

I was created to serve God, to show his love to others, to further his kingdom. And at that, I want to excell, at that, I don't want to fail. Everything else should come.

I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory
And he is here.

2010-03-23T07:40:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like I am on the outside of my life, watching it happen, with little to no control over the outcome.

OOOOOOOOOklahoma

2010-03-16T20:48:00.000-07:00

...where the wind comes sweepin' down the plains.

This post started differently. I was in the process of making a list of all the reeeeaallly awesome things I had done so far this blissful, stress-free Spring Break. However, once i got to hung out with friend yesterday, it turned into something different:

- Graded papers with my poor poor first-year-teaching friend, who has just about the most unfortunate class/school situation ever. [Which, speaking of said bfitwwwaafouwd, she is MOVING so soon to MARYLAND, and folks, Maryland is over 20 hours away from Manhattan, and let me just tell you, FRIEND, we can't exactly sit on porches and drink lemonade and watch our children play in the yard from 20 hours away... lucky for you, I'm not actually mad, just realized yesterday though that I am sad. 5 hours DNE 20, and a plane ticket costs more than a tank of gas. I suppose it is time to start planning my family vacations to Baltimore... get ready to resurrect THE BIG TEAR, start in depth discussions about Beanie Baby bunnies, for me to keep cheering for the Colts even though I hardly even know where Indiana is, picking outfits for dolls that look like us, eating chocolate chip pancakes (with the appropriate amount of syrup of course), staying up late late late giggling times a million about who even knows what, practicing our gymnastics (you physcially, me mentally...as in via the Olympics and Shannon Miller), shopping for pj pants, ignoring each other (ahem, me ignoring you...still sorry for that one) on the first day of school, baking baking baking, Christmas parties, growing up from little bitty silly girls into beautiful, grown up, adult women who are getting married and becoming teachers, wives, and developing into servants of an awesome and mighty God. Girl, I can't even believe how far we've come. 16 years. Here's to the future of long-distance best friendship! I love you, mbf.

[We were very attractive in high school. Very attractive.]

I sure am lucky to have been blessed enough to have so many beautiful, wonderful friends who mean so very much to me. I am high on the list of of bad friends, and am so SO grateful for friends kind and wonderful enough to stick by me for the long haul. Thank you, Lord.

"A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." -Prov 18:24

2010-03-07T22:35:00.000-08:00

Just a few more days until a much needed rest at home with Mom and Dad... so ready.

Until then.

Biblical Marriage

2010-02-27T07:36:00.000-08:00

For Pre-Marital Counseling both Nick and I had to compose a Biblical definition of marriage. Of course, as is anything I do which includes having to write something, mine was pages long and his was a nice, neat, concise long paragraph. Regardless of those little details, I thought I would post it here because it was interesting to me, and because it stirred in me not only questions upon questions about married/planning-to-be-married people who have not planted their marriage in and upon Christ, but it also set in front of me some serious challenges for my upcoming (FAST!!!!) marriage, and reignited a passion and desire for in depth Bible study. That being said, my definition:

A Biblical marriage is one that first and foremost has Christ at the center (you know, the whole triangle analogy, as we draw closer to the Lord so also we draw closer to each other.] Our ultimate purpose each day should be to glorify and serve God as we love one another, and out of the overflow of our service to God will (ideally) come a desire to honor and serve one another.

A Biblical marriage should reflect that of the church’s marriage to Christ. Just as Christ is the head of the church, his body of believers, so also the husband should be the head of the marriage relationship. Paul writes also that husbands should love their wives as much as their own bodies, and take care of them, sacrifice for them, and protect them, just as Christ does for the church, his body and bride.

A Biblical marriage should be one in which wives submit to their husbands as to the Lord. According to the Merriam-Webster online dictionary, submit is defined to mean “yield oneself to the authority or will of another; to permit oneself to be subjected to something,” and so on. Not once does it say, allow oneself to be walked on and ordered around by one’s authority; to let another person control and coerce you into servanthood, or anything else equally as demeaning. Submitting oneself to the authority and will of another, the husband, is done out of love, respect, and honor to him. And in return for said respect, the husband will love, care for, protect, and make sacrifices. It is not a lordship, but an equal partnership in which both respective parties play their part in making the relationship work. [Both submitting or both trying to be the leader would simply not work.]

Eph 5 :21-30 says “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body."

A Biblical marriage is one in which both parties challenge and are challenged daily to become better and more devoted to one another and ultimately to God. Hebrews chapter ten, in reference to the church, tells them to keep meeting together in His name, to “spur one another on toward love and good deeds,” to hold tight to what they claim to believe. Those of us who choose to enter into a marriage that is founded on Scripture and in Christ are lucky enough to have a Christian partner by our side every day. We should humble and submit ourselves enough to learn from one another how and grow from each other on a daily basis. I believe one of God’s main purposes when He created marriage was to teach us how to better love and understand Him as we learn to love and understand one another.

Just as we will be challenged every day to lay down our pride and selfish desires and motives to love and serve our spouse, so also we are called to lay down our pride and selfish ambitions and submit ourselves to Christ each day. We will be challenged to display unconditional love, patience, forgiveness, humility, respect to one another, just as Christ daily demonstrates those characteristics to us.

Mental Health Night.

2010-02-25T14:40:00.000-08:00

Last night I took a self-declared, much needed mental health night. I finished work around five and did some of the things I love to unwind and take advantage of my evening off (skipped class). I went to the grocery store (twice), which I LOVE to do. [I recently decided I probably love grocery shopping, menu planning, and cooking for myself so much right now because amidst all the uncontrollables in life those are things I can actually have some say and control in. ...ended a sentence with a preposition...bad. whatever.] Anyway, I went to the store, came home, sat around and did nothing, baked some (crumbly, but) yummmmy cookies, and shared some with the poor babies writing their senior integration papers. [I say poor babies with the highest amounts of respect and sympathy, as well as empathy, as I know, as much as anyone, how aaawwwwffuuullll writing those papers can be. Luckily it pays off in the end as a) you will be able to say you produced a short novel, in just a measly 3-6 weeks; b) you will have learned an ABUNDANCE of information; and c) you will feel INCREDIBLY accomplished and relieved, able to spend the rest of your semester away from the library and never doing another word study or reading a commentary again... ok, ok, we will all read commentaries again. just no more word studies. maybe.]

I went on to get a nice eight or nine hours of sleep and have class this morning canceled. YES.

In other news, I have been very challenged in my thinking over the past few weeks, and by that I mean I have realized that the College of Ed may be trying to brainwash me and trick me into pushing my beliefs and morals to the backburner upon my entering the schools. Lucky for me, a few wise individuals in my life as well as my good old intuition and moral code have begun to kick in, reminding me what it means to live a life that is in the world but not of the world. I was reading in John 17 the passage in which Jesus prays for his disciples, preparing them for a time when he would no longer be with them, that they might live as he had, in the world, but not of it, that they would be one as Jesus was one with the Father. Upon talking to one of said wise individuals in my life about my inhibitions and fears about becoming a teacher, about my worries that my beliefs will be challenged and I will be torn between standing up for what I know is right and having to tolerate and perhaps even ignore behaviors I know are wrong, about how I am scared, because I know what I believe and what is right and know that I am in the minority...so said wise person reminded me that, while it may seem like sometimes I am alone or in the very minority of believers and faithful, that given time, I will find others who are in the field as a ministry, they are just harder to see at first, when all I see and hear is negativity and conflicting ideas and thoughts. [Holy rambling paragraph!] As I was saying, Jesus is praying that God will band the disciples together, make them unified with each other and one with the Father, His Father, God! Just as they were called to stand, unified, strong in what they believe, grounded and one with the Father, so too we are called to stand, unified, strong in what WE believe and grounded and one with our Father. God is so good, and ultimately in the end he will win, he will win the battle against Satan and against this fallen world, and I am faithful to believe that is true!

"I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Phil 1:3-6

Recently.

2010-02-22T18:13:00.000-08:00

A million things to say but no words to say any of it.

"The LORD is my strength and my song;
       he has become my salvation.
       He is my God, and I will praise him,
       my father's God, and I will exalt him."

Exodus 15:2

Taking Control.

2010-02-09T08:01:00.000-08:00

1. To eat this week: spaghetti and broccoli.
                                       grilled chicken salad and black beans.
                                       bbq chicken pizza and corn.

2. To work out this week: run at least twice before Friday.
                                                 bike at least twice before Friday.
                                                 lift at least three times before Friday.
   do a lot of crunches.

3. To read this week: Cockroach.
                                         articles for [all] classes.
                                         TheImperishableSeed.com.
                                         blogs and stuff.

4. To plan: invitations.
                     think concretely about reception decor.
                     weekends until August :/ [oh wait..already done].

5. To write: letter to friend.
                       at least one more blog post.
                       my definition of Biblical marriage and why I want to marry Nick. [for counseling]
                       poem for class.

6. To do: survive while doing all those other things.

Schmenu plan..

2010-02-04T22:34:00.000-08:00

Ok so I was a little lofty in my healthy eating goals for this week and forgot to consider anti-healthy food man aka Mr. Brown my fiance, who can somehow eat whatever he wants, whenever he wants, in whatever quantity he pleases, and fit in all his clothes still. Oh to be a strong man who only works out twice a week and doesn't count a single calorie... ;)

But seriously, I did alright following the menu and eating breakfast and semi-healthy lunches. And while I did not make it to the Rec... even once this week (dangit), I did workout at home every night I think. Small lifting, workout video, and on-my-own stuff. I have also been trying to get hotter legs (sorry any boys who read this), and thus have been doing lunges up and down the hallway from my bedroom to the kitchen almost every time I make the trip.

That being said, this was a self-declared strength-training week, and I think I am caught up/actually ahead for once on homework for next week so I should be able to get back on track with the sister and the tri-training.

Thursday nights are some of my favorite nights right now. Almost every week without fail Nick and I (and Kai for at least some of the evening) sit down and watch most of the shows we have DVR'ed at his house. [Burn Notice, The Office, Community, House, Biggest Loser, the list continues per how long all of us can actually stay awake. The show-watching usually continues on Saturday afternoons and late nights.] And we usually don't eat super healthy...like there is often some sort of ice cream involved... ;) But I love it. And I love Nick (and Kai, like a brother love). I am SO excited to get married, by the way, and in 99 days I will be Mrs. Nick Brown!!!!!!!!!!!

I love love, and I thank my God for the love he has lavished upon in the form of relationships with other people.

Menu Plan Monday.

2010-02-01T16:25:00.000-08:00

More than almost anything I want to be organized and in control of my life. I have a huge tendency to get overwhelmed and stressed (and in doing so take out said stress on the fiance'), and in this semester of a million and one things I have to work very hard to not go crazy. That being said, I have been religiously writing in my planner and working pretty hard to stay on top of the reading and homework I have due each day in class. (If you know me at all, you know this is a giant struggle of mine.) I have also been trying hard to think about whether or not the item of my stress is worth my emotional commitment. I have also (also) been working on thinking in a more cyclical sense, in that I am attempting to look at issues and points or conflict from more than just my (super-stressed, tired, moody, grumpy, whiny, emotional) point of view, and to remember that no matter how much I think and wish certain someone(s) knew what I was thinking, keeping my mouth shut and pouting says nothing but "something is wrong and it is probably your fault, but I am too stubborn and grumpy to deal with it/you right now."

This week I am doing a few things to continue becomming [more] organized:
1. MENU PLAN MONDAY! - Ok, confession. I LOVE mom's that blog all about their cute little lives, their kids, their husbands, their frugality, and most of all, their weekly menus! I secretly (no longer secretly I guess) want to be just like that! Super cute and fun and organized... and with time to blog and let people read all about my lovely life.

Glad I got that little secret out of there... Anyway, this week I am trying the whole menu-planning thing. My mom used to have a little list of meals for the week on the fridge and let Sarah and I help pick what went on each day and go grocery shopping with her or my dad, and I loved that! I also really think menu-planning will help me eat out less, save money, and be healthier. So here is my first try:

Monday:
Black beans and brown rice
Chicken
Broccoli

Tuesday:
Chicken Stir Fry (which, btw, I am unsure of how to make...help?)
Brown Rice
Veggies

Wednesday:
Chicken Enchilladas
Chips and salsa
Corn

Thursday:
BBQ Chicken Pizza (homemade)
Broccoli

Friday:
TBD

Ooook, apparently all I eat is chicken.. whoops! Blame that one on the good 'ol Campus Center. MCC4L :)

Anyway, I love cooking and fixing meals and eating (lol), and definitely find making dinner to be a nice stress reliever and calming time for me, so hopefully this will be a good (better than last) week for me.

OH and in case anyone is wondering, triathlon training is...coming along. PtL it is not until the end of summer or I would never have a chance at being in shape. Registration is this month though, so soon there will be no backing down!

Anyway, rough last week means a better this week. You look good, you feel good, right? Let's hope so.

Peace and Love.
:)

PS. I said I was working on a number of things, but now that I wrote that whole post about eating I can't seem to remember the rest. Oh except I have been trying to wear matching socks more often. Socks have never really been a huge priority to me in the past, but of late I have been working a tiny bit harder on making sure the socks I am wearing are at least right-side out and the same style. Oh and clean...ish. I just remembered that because I went to put on some socks.

Ok bye.

I QUIT.

2010-01-29T06:39:00.000-08:00

Is workaholism and busyness and overcommitment even worth it? I mean, I enjoy the spending money, and continue to believe that "later" this will all be worth it and "next year" will be so much better, but what about now? Will there really ever be a next year or later, or is it, and I fear it may be, that tomorrow is not real, and today is all there is? [Praise Jesus for the eternal tomorrow we have to hope (patiently) for.] So what am I doing with my now? I truly despise going to class three nights a week on top of the day, working all hours in between, and the homework and time that come on top of those things. I am so tired on the weekend it is all I can do to do more than lay on the couch and watch tv and movies. I am being pulled in so many different directions I cannot commit my whole heart, time, and attention to any one of them, so all of them suffer. All of them.

I need a break.

"Let the morning bring word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I life up my soul. Rescue me from my enemies, O Lord, for I hide myself in you. Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground." -Ps 143:8-10

Day 6?

2010-01-16T13:52:00.000-08:00

I was just thinking about how Sarah is out of town and thus my motivation to train is negative. She is super encouraging and motivating and my favorite person to train with, and its hard to go without her! SOooo, I decided to blog in order to document my discouragement, and find the motivation needed to get out of my apartment and to the rec. Bahh.

Our first week of training is close to over and I have not skipped a work out yet. [This could potentially change tomorrow as I am leaving right after church for Western Kansas for the night, but Monday is a "free" day, so I could always make it up there. But I am going to try to go before church tomorrow morning...fingers crossed.]

Oh btw, I quite possibly chose the very worst semester ever to train for something, much less work, plan a wedding, have any friends, or do anything outside of school and homework. I am taking a graduate level English class on top of sixteen other hours of classes and, after only syllabus day, feeling the weight of it all. Dear Lord, keep me sane and let me end the semester with friends and my family and fiance still loving me. Thanks, Amen.

I am speaking at a high school purity conference tomorrow night, just for the girls, on finding your worth and identity in Christ. If you think about me today or tomorrow say a prayer for me and especially for those girls that God would work on their hearts and teach them.

"For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." Eph 2:10

Day 2 Training

2010-01-13T20:06:00.000-08:00

Yesterday began Sarah's and my triathlon training. The race is in July so we are starting now in order to complete the beginner training workout twice...so we will be super ready by then. I am TIRED! Sheesh. But motivated and excited to prove my lovely fiance, sister, and mom wrong that I cannot commit to something and actually do it. I'm planning to blog some about it as another form of accountability.

My last semester of classes starts tomorrow...what in the world! Except I have one more class to take in the summer... but I'm not really counting it...

Wedding planning is coming along. Four months and a day until we are married!!!!!!!!! I wish it was tomorrow. We started pre-marital counseling today, so in six weeks we should be super ready and the perfect couple. Phew ;)

Mehhh, I'm tired.

Skeetle Deedle Deet, Skeet Skeetle...

2009-12-30T13:31:00.000-08:00

I was so lucky to get to go home for so long [a week]. Despite the stresses of being snowed in with my sister and parents for two days in a tiny duplex, I am so grateful for the time I got to spend with them, as well as the great times catching up with some old friends. There is just a stillness and peace about being home that is hard to find anywhere else.

All that being said, I am back in Kansas in my little [dirty and messy] apartment with my dear friend/roommate Marion. We have done so much to be productive, err, I mean, not productive, since I have been back. Mostly just watching hours of tv, playing on our computers, and "running errands" that may or may not be necessary. Uhh, oops. I love no work and school. [For about two more days, because I am seriously getting bored.] We did, however, just begin cleaning, me the bathroom, Mar the kitchen, and are making some progress there. Our rooms however... don't even want to talk about that. My goal is to have it clean by tomorrow. If only I had a tv in my bedroom... oh wait, I do, sitting in the closet not plugged in or turned on. Shoot.

Ohhhh I hate the distance. I keep hearing that absence makes the heart grow fonder... and well, my heart is feeling pretty dang fond today. Maybe the snow will all melt between now and 6:00pm tomorrow. Please? I wish I may, I wish I might, melt all the snow on Highway 77 and I-80 tonight. Amen. [Amen?]

I want to make some treats and goodies for tomorrow and Friday. Hopefully my car is not frozen to the ground and I can find my keys and drive to the store tonight or tomorrow. I LOVE making treats [as long as I have someone to share them with so I don't eat them all myself]! But seriously, I love love love to make them. And eat them. Err.. dangit.

Oh and I am on the waiting list for a class I want more than ANYTHING to be in [as in, have I ever actually wanted to take a class? I don't think so. This is it folks, this is THE class. This is the one I want to take, more than any other! Call me crazy, [and perhaps selfish and with my priorities a teensy bit out of whack] but I may have asked God to get those two people out of the way so I can get in this class. Uhhh, is that ok? It's hard to tell. I always wondered about that whole, bargaining thing, like, does it work? Hey God, if you get me in the class I will do all my homework and get an A? Uhh, hiya there God, any chance there will be an opening in that class anytime soon? If there is I will be sure to make treats for everyone in class, once a week. Helloooo, serving! Right?? Oook, probably not. Shucks.

Ok uhh, bye.

17 Again?

2009-12-22T19:44:00.000-08:00

Hoooome home on the raaaangeee.

Good things about home:
1. I feel like a million times healthier than I did three days ago. Mom actually cooks meals (and not just pasta and chicken), and goes to the grocery store. So she can eat fresh veggies. And fruit. Yay!
2. The Gazelle. Special thanks to the next door neighbor for not using her Gazelle anymore and giving it to us. Muchas gracias indeed.
3. ZUMBA. Thank you Lyd and Pam for the intro. I hope we can get a class at the Rec! [Suuuper fun]
4. Duh, Mom Dad and friends!
5. New/free iPod! The Apple Store has the most friendly employees ever. Beats the uninformed Best Buy people with a stick.
6. Picking out my Christmas presents and my mom buying them for me with me there. Lol. All I asked for was postage stamps, which I am not getting by the way, if anyone is looking for a last-miunte gift idea para me, but anyway, I basically asked for nothing but postage stamps and oh yah, new cardigans (which I probably don't really need... but will always want) and thus my mom has mostly bought me some of the things I want over the last couple of days, and I will just act surprised on Friday morning when I open them! :)

Bad things:

1. Far far far away from Apt #13.
2. Far far far away from mi hermana.
3. Far far far away from Nebraska.

whooosh, that was fast.

2009-12-20T08:02:00.000-08:00

A whole year goes by..
So fast.
WHAT A YEAR.
This time 365 days ago...
It was freezing cold outside.
But I was in a hopital bed,
puking my guts out.
"Recovering" from a doctor cutting into my brain,
having thirty-some staples put in my head,
getting three plates and screws put in there,
eating nothing,
and doing my best to bring joy to those around me.

I have to remember.
To remember to thank the good Lord every single day
for blessing me with life.
For blessing me with friends.
For blessing me with a wonderful family.
For a fiance.
A godly, wonderful man.
Who told me I was beautiful
(when I was most certainly not).
For blessing me with a praying people,
a people who prayed that I might be ok.
I must remember that God does things for a reason.
And that "all things work to the good of those who love him."
That his plans may make no sense at times,
but that he has something great in store,
and wants me to be a part of it.

Thank you, Jesus, for life and the opportunity to be a part of your awesome ministry here on this earth.

Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul. Rescue me from my enemies, O LORD, for I hide myself in you. Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground.

Psalm 143:8-10

I think I can, I think I can...

2009-12-18T06:30:00.000-08:00

Just have to make it through today then freeeeeddooommmmmmm for two whole weeks. I talked wedding with a friend last night who LOVES to talk wedding, and am excited and ready to plan again. Yay! I'm getting married!!! Ready to plan plan plan! [Like, details, not big decisions. Definitely tired of making those.]

Still looking for ideas if you have any!

Today I am filled with joy. Thank you Lord for cold weather, a job that lets me off for break, no more finals, family, friends, fiance, and a much needed time off from the busy life I lead. I only hope and pray to be a blessing and bring joy to others today and throughout this season.

Almost...

2009-12-16T09:32:00.000-08:00

Hello all! I'm doing well, in case you were wondering. This semester is FINALLY almost over and my break from doing homework and finals has approximately 2.5 minutes remaining, so this will be quick. Make that 2 minutes.

Anyway, my finals are going well, thanks for asking. I have a paper and a true-false test left to go and then will be in the clear for a couple weeks, hoooorraaahh!! During said couple of weeks, however, I will actually have to start planning my wedding and making decisions and paying for things, as those things have not been getting done thus far. Oops.

Inquiry of the Day [which may or may not return on any other day]: We are not serving dinner or having a dance at our wedding [there will be hors' de vors (however that is spelled) and cake and what not, so you will not starve, I promise], and are looking for something unique and special to do as our "entertainment" so to speak. Perhaps a small jazz band or fun crafts, or a little something for the guests as a parting token of mine and Nick's love, but regardless, I, mind you, we, are looking for ideas. SO pretty please if you have any, I humbly ask for any tips or suggestions of things you may have seen at another wedding, done in your own, seen on Bridezillas, or perhaps just dreamed in your pretty little head. Yesterday marked exactly five months [Holy Cow, I know! Where does the time go, wasn't I seventeen and almost going to Garth Brooks' house with (name shall remain a secret) and pointing a pinky at "that girl" just yesterday??! Bahh!] or 155 days until the Big Day, but much planning will commence over the course of the next few weeks, so seriously if you have any ideas, shoot them my way!

Muchas Gracias, Denada, Bueeeennnooo Massssss, I mean, Thank You Very Much, Have A Nice Day...

Hannah :)

terrible, horrible, no good very bad day

2009-12-02T20:03:00.000-08:00

Ooook so my day was probably not near as bad as the title of this post makes it out to be, seeing as there were a number of positive elements in place to offset the outrageous number of negative ones... but i thought of that book and thought it sounded like a good title for the not-so-good day I had today.

Anyway. [Ever noticed how often I use the word anyway? I tend to get off subject...task...course...the list goes on..] For that matter, I have a seriously large project due tomorrow and I'm not even done with it. Distraction city. Owl City? Love those fireflies.

Rough day. Lots of things went wrong. Overreaction on my part though, to the max. Frustrated and tired. Ready for no school.

Good thing I have people to love and be patient with and forgive my shortcomings, mistakes and flaws. Good thing I have a God who continues to forgive my shortcomings, mistakes and flaws...every single day.

For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it." Romans 7:15-20

real students, finally.

2009-11-17T16:59:00.000-08:00

Today I taught some real kids.

Our lesson went well; I am generally pleased. There were obviously things we need to improve on and do better at, but overall we did a good job and I am proud of my fellow team-15-mates and all of our hard work.

Today I was reminded of the many many reasons I seriously enjoy middle schoolers, and today I felt at home and in my element. PtL, I love teaching. Can't wait to student teach next fall as Mrs. Brown and can't wait to have my own classroom so soon!

Real life is on the horizon, and I like what I see so far.

"Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and your plans will succeed." Prov 16:3

Rise Above

2009-11-12T18:21:00.001-08:00

"Wont let Satan [blowing sound] it out, I'm gonna let it shine!"
Just a couple things- teaching pretend middle schoolers who are actually my college-aged peers is not as easy as it sounds. [Schoolers...not a word] I digress. I love love my Block I friends and especially my lab-mates, but am about ready to be with some real students.
Once upon a blog post I am pretty sure I wrote about rising above your (or my for that matter) circumstances. I have been (and most definitely still am) feeling pressure and pull from a million (like 7) different directions for the past semester (I really think this may be the most challenging semester yet busyness-wise), and have been letting my stress and frustration(s) get my down. Gosh, but what am I doing? I have an awesome and blessing-filled life worth living to the fullest, despite my current state of busyness and stress. [Also, removing the term "stress" from my vocabulary. Use it too much.]

So, on that note, and really that note is about a week old but I am just now posting about it, I am turning over a new leaf, or perhaps just turning back a few pages in my journal that is life and remembering how awesome it is to fall in the arms of a loving Savior and resting in the comfort and joy that is His love.

God is so good.

Totally Typical?

2009-11-06T06:40:00.000-08:00

Today as I sat in the drive-through of Starbucks and prayed for/thought about the victims of that shooting in Texas (as many details as I know) I realized a couple things:

1. I really like gourmet coffee drinks and coffee shops. I wish I had more time/money to waste on enjoying that little hobby.

2. I love doing things for other people. I got up and ready a little quicker today so I could go get donuts and drinks for some people at work and it made me feel useful. It is good to feel appreciated and to do things for others. About halfway through last year I committed to (try to) be more generous and do more for others, essentially to serve more, and, while it is challenging not to keep my wants and needs at the forefront of my thoughts, it sure does feel right to move those aside.

3. I almost began to judge myself and the inumerable others who have been "praying" for those hurting people in Texas (or Kenya, or New Orleans, or NYC, or wherever the most recent pain may be), and think down on us for believing we can make any sort of impact from here (or there or anywhere). Almost. I almost let myself condemn for it taking such occasions to remind people (and me) to pray for someone other than themself. But then I remembered, hold on, we are praying, we are lifting up those hurting people to our awesome and mighty God for healing, we are putting our own needs aside and remembering the needs of those around us, in close proximity or not. So I guess I am glad people turn to God for help and healing in their deep times of need, and for the needs of others. I am not mad, or judgmental, or condemning, but grateful that the first instinct of so many is to look to Him for answers. So Praise the Lord, and thank you God for your never wavering faithfulness to your people.

4. While I am "ready" for the cooler weather to set back in, I have to say another PtL for the glorious display of beauty outside today.

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." 1 Peter 5:6-7

"Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death—even death on a cross!" Phil 2:5-8

clean clean clean

2009-10-31T10:35:00.000-07:00

It has been a rough past few weeks, but I think God has totally rejuvenated my spirit and I am filled and ready to finish the semester. However, if someone could PLEASE build me a place that holds approximately 300 people, will be ready by May 15th, and lets us bring our own food, that would be great! Asap.

Anyway. Nick and I have been officially been engaged for a month and four days, and it is just fantastic. In fact, today we are taking our engagement pictures! [I am not entirely sure the purpose of taking engagement pics, I mean, not that I don't want them, because I totally do, but what are you supposed to do with them?] But I bought new jeans and a sweater, so that is good. We are supposed to bring a few outfits, but basically all of my clothes are dirty, so00 new, nice, Gap jeans and a wrinkled hoodie it is! [Okkk ok ok, I will find something to wear besides wrinkled clothes that don't go together. I guess.]

Today has been the first day I have felt productive (outside of schoolwork) in quite awhile. My room is clean, like, actually clean, and not full-of neatly-stacked-piles-that-make-it-look-clean-for-like-an-hour clean, I even vacuumed and moved the boxes (as in cardboard moving boxes) full of books that have been sitting in the same place since Move-In day... [circa August 4th]. OH! And I dusted. Sheesh. Just call me Susie Homemaker...err, no. That would be my mom, I guess call me Hannah Homemaker (better alliteration anyway). :) But seriously, my room has not been clean for like 568409 days. [You're thinking, I thought she said August? That has only been like, 90 days? Yah, whatever.]

Ok well, bye.

"The JOY of the Lord is my strength." Neh 8:10

2009-10-27T15:32:00.000-07:00

I need a camp or conference or something...

"O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water. I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory. Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands. My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you. On my bed I remember you; I think of you through the watches of the night. Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me." Ps. 63:1-8

2009-10-26T15:40:00.000-07:00

Sheesh. Never have a second to stop. When will college be over? Better yet, just Block 1 needs to end, thanks. Homework out the wazoo, group projects all over the place, work work work, wedding to plan, ahhhh going crazy!

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." - Phil 4:6-8

Professional, Schmessional.

2009-10-20T11:02:00.000-07:00

While I do love to get up at seven every day and shower/get ready every day... [not so much], I would just love to have like, a week of freshman/sophomore/junior year back and wear sweats and not brush my hair if I didn't want to! I took it for granted, the ease and simplicity... and would love to have nothing more to worry about than making it home before midnight/one, getting my verse memorized (cough, cough) and being up at least 4 minutes before class started in order to make it there by the bell ringing. Real(ish) life is way less sloppy and procrastinatory (not a word) than early college.

Ohhhh well I guess, at least besides actually trying to go to bed on time and brushing my hair most days, life is not too awful or hard :)

Good day. Sunshine and a light breeze. Happy :)

"Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, for our 'God is a consuming fire.'" -Hebrews 12:28-29

Domestic Disturbance.

2009-10-17T01:45:00.000-07:00

I have a serious concern for the state of the apartment directly above me come morning when they awake from their horribly drunken state. If they have not broken every single thing in there, I'll be surprised. I am pretty confident they are going to fall through the roof into our living room, and definitely sure there are more people in there than allowed by the fire marshal. For the last hour at least they have been LOUDLY stomping and I'm pretty sure dropping bowling balls on the floor while singing at the tops of their lungs. Ok and there is no way they are "dancing" and if they are, it has zero rhythm and does not go with the music at all. I only know that because it is VERY clearly coming through my ceiling. It is 3:50am, folks. 3:50!!! I have to work all day tomorrow!?!! What are they thinking. OH good, now they are outside, singing, very loudly. Lovely, I can hear them making plans to be back here tomorrow night. I'm moving.

"Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against one of your people, but love your neighbor as yourself..." Lev 19:17
"...do not plot evil against your neighbor..." Zech 8:17
"...'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these." Mark 12:31

busybusybusybusy

2009-10-12T16:42:00.000-07:00

Huskers/Chili Party, Family x3, Wedding Dress Shopping (got one, btw!!!), Apartment/Room Cleaning (we may have just bought a mop and a broom yesterday..oops), and a midterm tomorrow. Ahhh!!!

But I love my life and I love where I am. I'm slightly tired of going to class, but see the value in continuing to do so. I am beyond blessed.

Sidenote, thanks to Mom for doing the laundry. Bestmomever.com

Busy busy busy busy, but good.

If anyone has any inexpensive wedding reception venue ideas, let me know. now. Thanks!!

2009-10-08T04:11:00.000-07:00

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving."

I'm Engaged!!! [novel version of the story. sorry I ramble]

2009-10-04T15:47:00.001-07:00

Ok ok ok. It has officially been a whole week since Nick popped the question, but I had such a busy seven days and am finally sitting down to write out the story. [Let me just tell you all, I was TOTALLY surprised and had zero idea it was coming this soon (he had me thinking next semester!)]

First of all let me clarify- I recently had a revelation that perhaps Nick might be tricking me and there was a chance we would be getting engaged earlier than I thought. I have a tendency to ruin surprises for myself which, if it just affected me would not be too terrible, but it kills all the fun for the person planning the surprise. So upon said revelation, I basically made getting engaged and married an abstract thought and idea, something that would happen someday, but was not any time soon so I should quit thinking about and waiting for it. I knew Nick wanted me to be surprised, and I knew I would ruin it if I tried.

That being said, last Saturday was our one-year of dating anniversary. I had to work all day (literally 6am-7pm) and then go home and shower, get ready and finish the gift I got for/made him. Then we were going to watch the Huskers game and grill steaks at his house. I got to his house and he gave me a beautiful diamond necklace (picture to come, I am not at my computer so I can't post one) and we spent the evening just watching football and hanging out together. [I thought the necklace and evening were perfect and definitely enough, just fyi].

SO the next day, Sunday, he asks me to go out to eat with him and then go out to the lake to watch the sunset. We eat, and drive out hurrying to catch the rapidly setting sun. We get to the lake and he takes me down to the place where he told me he loved me for the first time [again, see pictures to come, or look on Facebook], and for ten or so minutes we just took pictures of ourselves and watched the sun set over the lake. Perfect way to end a day, or so I thought...

[Ok so here I will remind you all how Nick asked me to be his girlfriend, only one short year and a day before: He made a scrapbook, but don't call it such, with pictures of us and a letter he had written me that, in a roundabout way asked me to date him at the end. I looooved it. He is such a romantic :) ]

Back to last Sunday. So we are talking and watching and he says something like he has one more gift and sorry it wasn't done yesterday, but do I still want it? I'm like duh, thinking a gift is a gift, no matter what day you give it to me, of course I'll take it! :) So he pulls out a book, kind of similar to the first one, minus the fact that the date on the front is one day and one year later. He tells me to read it, again pictures and a letter, and I do so (outloud, per his request, I think just so I would be distracted enough not to notice him fidgeting around behind me).

All the while I am thinking, gosh, this is so great and cute, I mean, I love it and all, but this would have been such a great way to propse, silly boy should have waited to give this to me! [Can we say completely oblivious and gullible??!]

So I read it, outloud, and as I get to the end I read something to the effect of "today...take the next step in the journey..." Again I'm thinking, gosh I mean, I love the book and all, but this letter would have been such a great way to propose! Haha!

Ok so I'm done reading, and we are standing there, silent, breathing, saying nothing for what seemed like an hour [hardly a minute I'm sure] and I kind of turned around and looked at him, not sure what to say, because he wasn't saying anything! Totally awkward.. I turned back around to look at him for what to do next and he turned me around, got down on one knee, and said "Hannah, Will you marry me?" [AHHH!!!!!] I was like, "Whaaat?!" and then "I mean YES!" and then I started crying and just kept saying "What?!" and "This is so perfect" and "Oh my gosh!" oh and squealing and jumping up and down and hugging and whatnot :)

SO THEN after another few minutes, Nick points up the hill in some bushes, and out pop Sarah and Kai holding cameras! AND he points another direction and there is a videocamera taping us! [The video is quite hillarious, mostly of course me just being ridiculously excited and giddy.]

Ok so we're engaged, the wedding is May 15th so SOOO soon, and I am beyond more excited than ever to marry the most wonderful man I know. Love is a beautiful thing, and I am so blessed to be a part of such a wonderful relationship. Yay!

The pics

Friends4L.

2009-09-23T23:29:00.000-07:00

As is my tradition, I will update the blogster instead of writing the TWO papers I have due at 9:30 tomorrow, er, correcting, this morning. Gross.

Tonight was the most fun I have had in a long time. Fun with girls, that is. [In case Nick reads this, I also have lots and lots of fun with him watching the Food Network, making bets we don't stick to, and singing songs in the car. among all the other funny things we do together.] Anyway, tonight was just so great. It was like old times with two of my very favorite friends. We giggled, we drank coffee (non-coffee coffee for some of us), we took unattractive pictures of ourselves, we made jokes galore, and just had a ball forgetting our responsibilities and just having some fun together. I sometimes forget amidst all the homework and responsibility the importance of just doing something spontaneous and having fun with my friends.

So great.

"If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose." -Phil 2:1-2

ten days later...

2009-09-20T19:05:00.000-07:00

...and nothing inspirational or lovely to write or write about.

- still going to school, trying to become a professional and a grown-up but also enjoy my "carefree days" before time runs out...
- still working, all around my class schedule from 8:30-5:00...
- still loving, or should i say attempting to love and figure out love in a number of arenas...
- still seeking the guidance and will of a perfect and holy God who i truly believe has a grand plan in the works for my little life...

ps. could someone please invent time travel asap so i could visit my fam and friends anytime i wanted? okthanksbye.

"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jer 29:13

love you, then me.

2009-09-10T23:14:00.000-07:00

for a week in which i was challenged to spend loving others first, i spent a pretty large chunk of time loving myself. it is so simple and easy to be selfless. until it gets hard..and then it's not so easy.

"He must become greater; I must become less." Jn 3:30

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others." Phil 2:3-4

"Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically. Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying." Rom 12:9-12

"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love." Jn 15:9

Bahh.

2009-09-09T18:54:00.000-07:00

As per my usual, I have plenty of homework and am not doing it. I am catching up on my facebook photo uploading, hanging out with one of my roommates, listening to some sweet tunes, about to clean my room, reading some blogs, reflecting on life, etc. I think I really have a problem with procrastinating and can't fix it. Dang.

Anyway. I teach my first lesson [aka microteach-1] tomorrow! I'm doing an activity-based 4-5 minute lesson on how to diagram a sentence. I know, riveting! [Ok but seriously, grammar, proper grammar that is, just gets me! I love it!!! Parts of speech, correct spelling, proper word usage, etc. I love it all!] I am so excited to teach it, I just hope I don't talk too fast or mess up or anything. There are like 40 other English majors in my lab class [ooookk like four, but still] so hopefully we can learn a lot from each other this semester! Oh and I am making my first real resume' also due tomorrow.

Bahh, I hate going to school. Couldn't the homework just be optional? Or what if I just took one class at a time? I feel like I would do so much better..

I need inspiration, motivation.

there's no place like home.

2009-09-07T21:03:00.000-07:00

the title of this post says it all.

a part of me will always stay there when i leave. and a part of me will always be sad to go. don't get me wrong now; i love growing up and i love so much where my life is taking me and all the great things happening all around me here, but a small part of my heart will always ache for home. a part of me will never stop missing the people i rarely see and the place i no longer live. praise God for the special people in my life and the time we do get to spend together.

leaving is hard. so much love and so much family, blood and not blood. i love how so much can change yet so much stay the same after all this time.

love is a beautiful thing. i pray this week my love for God and love for others may outshine any and all obstacles i must face, and that my love could be something that sets me apart from the world around me.

hellolove.

"Welcom to K-State!"

2009-09-05T07:18:00.000-07:00

Today starts what I hope will be one of my last six days spent at Bramlage. I tried to quit last May, but through some chain of events I have ended up back in my supervisory position for another season. This season I hope not to get walked on as a boss (in some situations, such as this one at times, it can be hard for me to find a balance between "friend" and "boss" and thus lose a lot of respect and authority).

Anyway. Last night I drove with Nick and two other Lincoln/MCC friends down to some small town outside of Emporia to watch one of their friends in his season-openening 8-man football game. All I can say is I felt like I was in a movie. It was so great! [I also realized how much I dislike children who aren't well behaved. We didn't get there until halftime and had to sit in the "kiddie section" if you will.] It was so fun just to get out of Manhattan and remember how great a good old small town Friday night can feel.

"But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth." -Acts 1:8

Day 1: The Professional Look.

2009-09-01T06:59:00.001-07:00

As was somewhat thoroughly discussed in my last post I am planning on being a teacher. Upon graduating, getting certified, and actually becoming a teacher, one has to start dressing more professionally. I may have touched on this already, but I do not wear nor do I own a large collection of dress/professional clothing, and spend the majority of my time in t-shirts. I have decided that this semester and next will be devoted to working on a number of disciplines that will one day (next fall) be necessary. I.e. Doing my laundry on a somewhat regular basis so I am not left with nothing to wear...and because that's just what you do. Going to bed on time(ish) and getting up with enough time to do all I need to do. Working out and eating healthier at least most days. You get the picture.

Thus today was Day 1: The Professional Look. I have to dress up a number of different days this semester for a variety of things, today being one of them. We took pictures with our Block/Teaching Groups we will be team-teaching with in the middle schools this semester, and had to look nice for them. I also have to give a few different presentations for which I will also have to be dressed business professional and go into the schools for observations and teaching a few times.

[I took this of myself with my computer after getting home from work/school today.]

Anyway, I may or may not post about the rest of my quest toward professionalism, we will just have to see. Just know I am working on fewer ponytails (at least messy, unintentional ponytails) and being more strategic in my outfit-wearing while still taking advantage of my last year of not being a professional who gets up super early everyday and has to dress up all the time.

In other news, Nick and I spent the weekend in Lincoln with his family and friends; it was his grandpa's 90th birthday and there was a lovely party on Sunday after church. His grandpa even brought a date! So cute. We ate a lot (as is typically the case at on any trip to anywhere) and had a lot of fun, and are headed to my parents this weekend for Labor Day! Well, that is after a potential BBQ Friday night and I work all day Saturday. Oh and the rest of this week of classes of course.

Well, I apologize if you don't find my life just riveting, but I suppose you don't have to read about it if you don't want to! Another picture from this weekend and some words of wisdom from the Good Book and I'll leave you at that. Peace and love.

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." -John 16:33

"There's a passion in my heart
For the world to see
Revival fires burn
A great awakening
And there's a raging fire inside
That's so high
And it's causing me to burn" -Steve Fee

Just call me "Miss Troutt" from now on.

2009-08-27T22:53:00.000-07:00

Today in just one of my classes, two different girls told me [and mind you, there are only fifteen people in this class] "No, I don't have any roommates, I live with my boyfriend." What?? I thought this only happened in books and on movies. Apparently at the university across from the Christian world I have been living in the last four years things are totally different.. And they all get to have dogs! If you know me you know how much I want a puppy [in theory. I realize that they are a huge commitment and responsibility and I obviously don't have the time, money or energy for one right now. But the idea of having one is soooo great!]. Uhh, jealous! They get dogs! Oh lol, and this one precious boy comes from a farm and talked about his animals, namely his new baby llama. Ok and seriously, how did I not know that like, 99 percent of K-State students are from farms and teeny tiny towns/high schools?? If you didn't live in Kansas City, Topeka, or Wichita, you probably lived on a farm. I know squat about farm life and farm stuff. I mean, I can go to the farm and pet the horse and feed the cows [oook, watch my grandpa feed the cows] as well as the next city girl, but really, its nuts. I'm like, in the minority because my graduating class was greater than 100. I had no idea! At MCC, there are of course the farm kids and small town folk, but there are, I feel like, a good number of kids from cities and places other than Rural Kansas, America. Whatever, its weird.

I am offcially going by "Miss Troutt" now, and am to begin considering myself teacher instead of student. I have started the actual preparation for becoming a teacher and am really excited [and totally overwhelmed and nervous and semi-freaking out] about it. There are so many things you have to know and do and practice and learn and yadiyadiyada, but this semester is apparently the busiest of the three [only three more counting this one yayyyy!!!!] and I am definitely looking forward to Christmas break already... Busy work is not for me, but I am trying to remember that the things we are learning are key skills and techniques that will form the base for my real teaching career, and to take advantage of the opportuinties to plan and practice and build upon/learn from the feedback I can get from my peers and the professors we have to work with at K-State. It's crazy, and I feel old, and I should just go ahead and iron my dress pants and start wearing them everyday.

Oh speaking of dress pants, I have been trying to get better at either a) wearing my hair down and/or fixed more often, or b) snazzing up the ol ponytail. Ok because here's the thing: I am definitely not going to be able to transition from ponytails and wet messy buns [still ponytails, I realize] to "grown-up, professional" hair overnight. We are not allowed to wear caps [or show two other c-words] in our Block classes, as well as we have to dress professionally for a number of different classroom activities this semester, and thus I am just assuming the ponytail talk will be next. Anyway, hopefully by that time my hair will be really great looking without much effort and will have stopped reacting SO unattractively to the humidity. I'm not seeing that happening, as it has been almost 23 years and is still looking just about the same as always, thank goodness though for the two lovely inventions of the flat iron and anti-humidity hairspray [thank goodness for those two things!].

So much to say! I am getting the hardware [as they like to refer to the plate and screws] removed from my elbow in a couple weeks. They say it is an out-patient surgery, should only take the doctor thirty minutes or so while I'm under a general anesthesia and the recovery should be quick. Hopefully these predictions come true! [See six-day stay in the hospital ending Christmas Eve. Not supposed to be six days.] I hate hospitals and surgery and hope and pray desperately to never again have to spend much time with such things. September 18th, 9:00am. Hopefully the culmination of the longest year ever.

Speaking of the best eleven months of my whole life thus far, Nick and I just celebrated our eleventh month of dating yesterday! He is just the best thing ever to happen in my life and I am so lucky and blessed to have him as a part of it. He is so great to me and has made me so happy despite the wild and crazy roller coaster of a year it has been. Bestboyfriendever.com [ilovehim]
Holy novel of a blogpost. I wish my computer wasn't so dumb, aka I wish my neighbor would pay for the faster internet so I could upload my video blogposts. They are way better and funnier and I really think everyone would enjoy them.

Nick's grandpa's 90th birthday party in Lincoln this weekend, then Owasso next weekend! Busiest semester ever. Best life ever. Love love love love love.

"In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven."

"We are therefore Christ's ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ's behalf: Be reconciled to God."

A Plethora of Thoughts.

2009-08-25T20:28:00.000-07:00

This semester's worth of classes is already overwhelming. As per my usual I am dropping a class in the morning. Wouldn't want to mess with a good tradition, right?

Best 11 months of my life. I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world.

I have not reflected a lot on my accident last October, nor do I plan to, at least not yet/for all of blog-world to read, but I do know I don't like people riding bikes at night. Not one bit. Nor do I plan on dusting off the ol' Schwinn any time soon.

Life just isn't as easy or fair as I would prefer it be. I mean, I get it. I just sometimes wish I didn't.

"So I'll throw my life upon all that you are, because I know you gave it all for me. When all else fades my soul will dance with You, where the love lasts forever."

"Show me your ways, O LORD, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long. Remember, O LORD, your great mercy and love, for they are from of old." Psalm 25:4-6

Depth

2009-08-17T09:45:00.000-07:00

Goal for this semester which will hopefully turn into a habit and then lifestyle: develop significant depth and become much more intentional in my prayer life, reading and application of Scripture, as well as invest more time and energy in certain individuals in my life.

Become a woman whose love and passion for Christ is evident by the things I do, words I say, and simply the life that I lead.

"Therefore as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humilty, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all thse virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell richly in you as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him." Col 3:12-17

Camp Manhattan, revisited.

2009-07-16T17:46:00.000-07:00

We serve a powerful and amazing God! Lately I have been really seeking His will and seriously asking for Him to be evident in my life and to use me to touch and bless other people's lives... And you know God, when you ask to be used, He will use you. When you ask to be challenged and stretched, taken out of your comfort zone, pushed, He will do those things. It wont always be easy, and it wont always be fun, but God will use you and bless others because of your willingness to love and be a servant.

Its funny, I suppose. I started the summer, and spent the first month or so kind of wishing I was in another state, perhaps a foreign country, gosh at least outside of Manhattan somewhere, doing something new and different, something that's not comfortable, easy, and what I do on any regular [non-summer] days. I was jealous of friends in China and Arizona [and every place in between] and wished I could be outside my easy little box being challenge, doing real ministry, serving God somewhere else.. [It's just so much easier for me to see needs when they aren't the norm, as in not my everyday. I guess I walk by the same people and needs here each day and eventually stop seeing them. It's all so new and obvious when I'm somewhere else.]

Here's the thing though. There is hurt, pain, challenge and need all around me. There are broken people crying out for someone to hear them, just to listen. There are so many opportunities under my nose and I have become numb to their affect.

Today I asked God for an opportunity. I asked God to show me. I asked God to use me, to bless another. I asked God to challenge me to be more. I asked God to convict me and not let me turn my eyes from need. It's funny, ya know, when you seek God and actually pay attention and look for those opportunities, and recognize the need all around. God is doing so much, so many great and powerful things all around me, and too often I have grown complacent and comfortable in my surroundings and miss Him completely.

God is so good and I am constantly amazed by his amazing power and grace displayed all around me.

"Proclaim the power of God, whose majesty is over Israel, whose power is in the skies. You are awesome, O God, in your sanctuary; the God of Israel gives power and strength to his people. Praise be to God!" -Psalm 68:34-35

bedbugs, literally.

2009-07-08T20:57:00.001-07:00

So if you have ever been to our house you know it is not the newest, nor the most bug-proof. I just saw a bug, in my bed, sitting next to me. SICK! My sheets are already off and down in the laundry room awaiting the completion of the load I started earlier. I am folding all the clothes that have been sitting, crumpled, clean, at the end of my bed for at least a week. It feels like real finals week (just took a final tonight for one of my summer classes) and I have class again at 8:30 tomorrow morning, then work after that, and what am I doing, sleeping? Nope, cleaning. I suppose it is good I have found the inspiration to clean; for which I am grateful, as I am officially worried about bugs and cleaning my whole room now. Tomorrow morning I will likely not be as grateful for said inspiration... oh well! :) If you are in the area in the next, ohh, hour, come on by and bring a mop, I should really mop my room, the bathroom, and our kitchen.

A good day today, yesterday was just an off one. Praise God for his new mercies and the love he shows all day everyday no matter what my mood is. Thank goodness he never gets so annoyed with me that he ceases to love. Uncompromising, never ending, unconditional, real love. So beautiful.

iLove love. and I love God.

"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him." 1 John 3:1

gross.

2009-07-07T20:02:00.000-07:00

i can't see my floor.
i have like, three things clean to wear.
i ate like, six brownies tonight.
i have piles all over my desk at work.
did i mention i cannot see my floor?
when was the last time i washed my sheets?
or cooked?
or went to the rec?
gross.

i am disgusted with myself and i feel like i am running my fastest, only to be barely keeping up with the rest of the runners. i go to bed tired and wake up exhausted. summer school is for the birds. i hate birds. eight more days. then a week and moving out. then vacation. then moving in and back to work. then school. then Christmas.

i'm losing speed.

"The LORD is my strength and song, and he is become my salvation: he is my God, and I will prepare him an habitation; my father's God, and I will exalt him." Exodus 15:2

"God is my strength and power: and he makes my way perfect." 2 Samuel 22:33

It's a marathon, not a sprint.

2009-06-28T06:19:00.001-07:00

As is per my usual, I have 45 things to be doing yet cannot seem to focus in and actually do them. Today I head off to one of my favorite places, camp. This camp, however, is called "Boondocker" and will definitely encompass all the name suggests. We will sleep in tents, prepare most of our own food, be outside under no roofs all day, and get to swim in the lake all afternoon! I am stoked and excited for the fun, challenge, and service I will get to be a part of for the next 3.5 days. God is going to do some great things, I just know it.

Something I have been working through is being patient and aligning my plans and timing with His. I am so eager to do so many things I tend to forget to listen to the quiet whisper of God guiding and correcting me as I go. He is far beyond my wisdom and understanding and I love that I so blessed to be a part of his plan.

All I know is the next year (and so many to come) is going to be such an adventure and I am excited to be embarking on another journey. The year will be different and already is just with the summer. The carefree days are not so carefree with working and class even now, but it is really alright with me. I am out of most leadership positions which is weird, but a real opportunity for me to allow God to use me and teach me in new ways. I am finally down to just three semesters of school, only two of which I actually attend class and have a lot of homework, the last being my student teaching (which I have heard is tough, but at least I will finally be out there, doing what I want to be doing). I have lots of exciting things happening in my life and I can see God's hand in all of it. I really believe he is preparing me to be a part of something great and can only continue to pray that I will listen and be willing to do his will and go when the time comes. I am so lucky to be a part of something greater than myself.

"I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings. Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize.Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever." 1 Cor 9:23-25

iLove blog.

2009-06-20T01:03:00.000-07:00

So here's the thing; I'll admit it, I secretly love those structured blogs [Thank you Nicole T, my fav blog to stalk--- Simple Woman's Daybook, Menu Plan Monday's, this new Why My Husband Rocks thing, and more]. It's so organized and cute and there are always pictures, and I just really enjoy it. As I'm sure you may know, I LOVE to know all about what is going on with everyone (information-wise, not like, gossip. I used to struggle a lot with that, and what girl hasn't, but seriously realized a few years back just how hurtful and stupid gossip is... thus I have tried to stay away from that kind of knowing about people]. I really just enjoy knowing what everyone is doing and how they are spending their time. All of that being said, Steph T "tagged" me awhile back in this little survey and I did it today at work (cough, cough, I mean not at work...). I love talking about myself and would LOVE to do all of those organized posts but just don't have the time (oh and I don't plan my meals until meal time, which typically results in my eating whatever Nick wants to eat, which is usually pizza or something equally calorie-ful...or sandwiches, thank goodness he likes sandwiches!) Anyway, all that being said, I love to blog, read blogs, email, text, talk, hang out, and any other form that allows me to communicate with or learn more about someone else, and am hoping to keep up a little better with this blog of mine.

7 unimportant things that make me [very] happy:

1. Dark chocolate peanut M&Ms and a Mountain Dew Voltage. Probably my least healthy habit... but those two things always make me feel better. [I do try to stay away from them as much as possible, so that they will stay a special treat as well as to avoid the billion grams of sugar Voltage has in it...]

2. Being tan. Come on, who doesn't look and feel better with a little color? I wish those darn tanning bed rays weren't so hazardous for the health...

3. Simple foods [cereal, turkey sandwiches, apples]. I could probably live on those three things, but the people I eat most of my meals with like a little more variety... those are my favorites though.

4. Driving alone with good old music blaring, singing my heart out. There is nothing like driving down the highway, windows down with Kelly Clarkson or Rascal Flatts singing with me as I go. It just takes me back to a time when life was simpler (not that it is terribly confusing or anything now).

5. Thank You's. Verbal, understood, via-card; really it's just knowing that something I did was appreciated or beneficial to someone else.

6. Getting my haircut! Just being in a salon puts me in a better mood. I would get my hair cut on a monthly basis if it didn't cost...and if I could somehow magically will my hair to grow at super-sonic speed so it didn't end up really short after like six months.
7. Planning and hosting events. I always stress out the day of up until right when the party/event is starting (so look out or I'll probably snap at you and/or start crying), but I really do love all the details, food, coordinating, fun, and people involved in it. [CPC4L?]

Anyway I'm not sure if anyone even reads this but I enjoy posting and getting to be creative and share some of my thoughts here. God is so good to me and has surrounded me with such an incredible group of people, and I am so grateful and blessed by them and by Him.

"Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things." -Col 3:1-2

Camp Manhattan.

2009-06-08T22:54:00.000-07:00

I don't know what it is about summer that just awakens my soul and deepens my hunger for the glorious God I claim to serve. Maybe a part of it is that my life, for the past eleven or so years has gone in such a way that the summer was in fact my time of spiritual rejuvenation. Camps and youthquakes and then more camps and CIYs and more camps and so on, complete with qualified speakers, talented and passionate worship bands, and hundreds and thousands of other teenagers and young adults crying out to be filled with renewed passion for Christ. Maybe a part of it is that the summer gives me a chance to breathe, to stop, look around, catch my breath, and remember what it is I set out to do in the first place...before getting so bogged down and distracted by the forty-nine things I committed to doing during the semester, all of which end up becoming priority over my time spent with God.

Summer is a time for freshness, a time for growth. Summer will allow me time to find that which I seemed to have misplaced. It is not dead or gone, nooo no its not gone; it just managed to get a little lost in the rush of this roller coaster of a year. This summer holds so many opportunities to seek God in this beautiful place; in the almost too familiar place that has become my home. It will take some work, to see him in a new way in this comfortable little city. It will take dedication and prayer, and the incredible power of the Word to help me rise.

"And I will rise, when he calls my name,
No more sorrow, no more pain.
I will rise, on eagle's wings,
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise. I will rise."

"But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. Once you were not a people, but now you are the people of God; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy." 1 Pet 2:9-10

count it all joy

2009-05-03T17:32:00.000-07:00

Never fails I can always find something to do instead of what I should be doing. Often that thing I should be doing is homework, and what I tend to do instead is clean my typically messy room and/or wash my clothes, which are otherwise strewn about my room near or around the laundry basket they are supposed to be in. That being said, my room is clean and laundry started (a good thing as I was running out of clean things..), and only 5 of about 27 lines of Shakespeare somewhat memorized.

But did you know...
you don't always have to be happy.
it's ok to be sad, it's ok to cry, it's ok to get frustrated.
it's ok to not smile all the time. it really is ok.

it's ok if you continue to find strength in the Lord.
it's ok if you continue to be joyful, because of the incredible hope that you have.
it's ok because you have a Savior who died, actually DIED so that you could live.

Sometimes I forget that it's ok not to be alright all the time, that real people have problems. To borrow from this morning's sermon, God didn't create us to live in a whitewashed, stain-free world. He uses real people, with real problems to do real things and touch real lives. As long as you continue to be filled with the joy that outshines any sorrow and seek a God who is bigger than your problems, he will continue to work in you and use you to share his love.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance." James 1:2-3

Oh Phew.

2009-04-29T19:03:00.001-07:00

1. I cannot stand Shakespeare. The plays, the sonnets, the man himself; I can't stand any part of it. I blame, in part, my Intro to Shakespeare class and teacher, as I do not recall having such a great dislike for the subject before this semester, but nonetheless, even the mention of the name annoys me. I am currently reading a synopsis of the life of William Shakespeare and trying to memorize three different parts of the play within a play during A Midsummer Night's Dream to perform in class next week for extra credit. Did I mention I am playing three separate parts? At one point in the scene two of my parts are supposed to interact and talk to one another. I'm not sure how that is going to work...

2. I think I have the Swine Flu. Ok that's not true, I have zero flu-like symptoms, but I do think I might be getting sick again. This year, man, I have been sicker and incapacitated more than probably the last ten years combined. I feel right now the same as I felt a month ago at the beginning of my mystery, undiagnosable illness. I sure hope I don't get that sick again...especially not until after Wednesday of Finals Week, and for that matter, it would be nice if it were after we get back from Colorado, OH and really, if it could wait until after the second week of June when my summer classes are over, I would appreciate that too. Really, I just want to never be sick again. Please.

3. Today one of my favorite brothers (as all of you know, I have no actual brothers) showed up in our driveway after we got home from work/the grocery store. First of all, he rode up on a red motorcycle bike of some sort, and second of all, it was great to see him! He ate dinner with us and played guitar with Kai for awhile, at the same time catching up with us and catching us up on the wild adventures he has been having since leaving Manhattan. He is just returning from a trip (on said hazardous motorcycle) through South America with a friend from home, and is on his way to Alaska to work with fish and boats for the summer. [Don't get me wrong, we all know how much I love routine and consistency, but a small part of me would love to just save all my money for a few years and then take off and travel and experience the adventure and spontaneity of not knowing where I was going or what I was doing.]

4. I have recently decided my calling in life was not only to be a middle school English teacher, but also an editor! I realized soon aftter the decision that I'm going to need some people to start writing books, articles, etc. and ask me to edit them in order to establish any credibility, so if you all could start doing that it would be great. Thanks. I am serious about the editing thing though, however am not sure how one goes about becoming a part-time editor... any words of counsel or wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

5. The fam has decided to go on vacation to the exquisite and luxiourious Kansas City this summer. We will be spending one lovely weekend soaking up the rays and enjoying the sights (ok, ok, we'll probably go to a Royals game and the Plaza and stay in a nice hotel) sometime this summer. We thought it would be better than spending a ton of money going somewhere when, in all reality, we will have most of the same fun spending time together and only have to drive two hours there and two back (AND of course stop by Grandma and Grandpa Troutt's on the way!)

6. Seriously though, it better stop raining and get hot and sunny so I can start getting tan for summer. I am pale, reeeeally pale, and want to go on a walk, sit in the backyard, play catch, and have another back[side]yard bash. Only a few more days of classes and those things will come. [For some of us unlucky folk, those things will come, but only when the big, black desk chair in Admissions is not holding us hostage from the glorious days of summer. Working in the summer, its the pits. I belong at camp or the lake, maybe camping in the mountains or watching tv for 4 hours in my pajamas, not at the office. Oh well, growing up and paying bills, suckkkyyy.]

7. The Lord is so good to me. Despite all the trials and pain, the confusing things and the lonliness, He shows me new love and mercy every single day. He is overwhelmingly evident in my life, my relationships, and in creation (especially the weather, my favorite). I watch as he works in the lives of those around me, preparing them to serve others and change lives they have yet to meet in places they have never been. I wait (im)patiently for things to happen, jobs to come and houses to sell. I pray for change in me and in others, I ask for passion, for peace, for wisdom. I thank God everyday for the people in my life that set an example of compassion, kindness, real and deep love. I am truly grateful for my family and friends and am blessed beyond understanding.

We sang a song in chapel on Tuesday and the lyrics in the chorus really stuck in my head.

I will live to love you.
I will live to bring you praise.
I will live a child in awe of you.

"Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." -Eph 5:1

Overwhelmed.

2009-04-07T18:20:00.000-07:00

I sit here, with a TON of reading and homework to do, all of last week to catch up on, and can't focus on any of it. I have so much on my mind and heart and all I can do is blankly stare. Don't tempt me with apathy or comfort, no no, I am easily swayed by such things. Run, run the other way. I don't have time.

All I have heard myself say in the last how many days, weeks, months is how much time I don't have. Over and over, I selfishly complain about the pages I still need to read, papers I have to write, work I have to do, events I have to plan, sleep I would rather get, etc. What am I even doing to serve or better the lives of anyone besides myself? Where is my Bible and who am I praying for consistently? My temper is so short-fused and I am annoyed...at you, at the people I don't know, most of all at myself. I can't explain my confusing feelings and I don't know what I'm thinking. I am doing nothing but serving and worrying about myself.

"...do not worry about your life...Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them...Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" Matt 6:25-27

"Then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others." Phil 2:2-4

Remember Me...

2009-03-22T19:09:00.000-07:00

For the past couple of weeks I just have not been able to put my thoughts into words. Too much stuff going on to process it all. All I do is go to class, work, and read and discuss books (which I really enjoy as much as I sometimes dread and say I hate it). Oh and I do get to spend some quality time with a few really great people. I am so thankful for laughter and barbecues and turkey sandwiches... :)

So I guess I made it to Spring Break, and ended up having a (kind of boring but also) a restful, uneventful time. Sarah and I hung out basically nonstop and it was just the best. We are so funny :) I saw some good, old friends and was reminded of so many times and memories that are not worth forgetting. [5 years last Sunday. RIP Van-C and Praise God for his hand and mighty strength] It is hard to go back sometimes. Those people were such a huge part of my life for so many years and the miles make many of those relationships difficult to maintain. It is sad, and a part of me would love to go back forever and never change, but another part of me loves the life I lead now and the ways I (and we all) have changed and grown up. I think people come in and out of our lives for different seasons to be used by God to teach and encourage us. God has blessed me in so many places with so many incredible friends and I am eternally grateful for the impact they have all had on my life. I only hope that the impact I have on others is half as great as the one they have all had on me.

A little buzz-word that has been floating around my vocabulary this year is "intentional." Living on purpose, with a purpose. Making informed, wise decisions and considering the effect they will have on the lives around you. Living above reproach, because it is the right thing to do. Making the extra effort in relationships, because not everyone does. Sometimes you never know who needs just a minute to share whats on their heart, but no one will give them the time of day or listen for a response when asked "How are you?" As a matter of fact, a wise man once told me that when someone asks you what you think on a matter, they don't necessarily want to hear what you think. On the contrary they are looking for someone to listen to them and give them the opportunity to share what they think. I think too often I will take any and every opportunity to share my opinions with anyone who will give me the time of day, maybe its time to shut my mouth and listen.

"...take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you. Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says." James 1:19-22

hold on, what?

2009-03-05T20:37:00.000-08:00

So wait, if its not all about freedom in Christ, about a life that is better despite circumstances, about having a friend and savior who will never abandon or let you down, about a hope that will outlast all others, about forgiveness and grace, about joy amidst a dark and confused place, about abundant unconditional love, then what is it about? Did I forget to learn apologetics? Can I even explain this? All these twenty-two years and the only thing I can do is tell you how great God is? Where is the depth? Where is my proof? I think I forgot to learn more than faith and emotions. Ten years ago this might have been alright, but why am I just now being challenged on the things I think? I don't know enough.

I'm not saying I don't still believe those things, nor am I even remotely doubting the presence or reality of God nor the validity of the faith I hold so tightly to. I'm just saying that the emotions and feelings alone aren't good enough for people anymore. The blind faith I subscribed to for so long isn't going to mean anything to people who don't believe in it and haven't experienced it.

I wish I had taken more time and paid more attention in any class, done a little more research, made just a tiny bit more of an effort, and could defend the faith I hold so tightly to a tad more accurately. I don't know enough. I couldn't do well in a debate about the logistics of the Bible and the why and how of Christianity. I can tell you what God has done/is doing in my life. I can tell you how evident and present he is in my every day. I can tell you about love, mercy, and hope. But how can I begin to explain my emotions and experiences to someone who has never been there?

I don't know enough.

"But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5 8

"For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39

36 down, 13 to go!

2009-03-01T12:55:00.000-08:00

Somehow I have magically completed 16 steps of my paper without even realizing it. Last night I'm sure I had 29 left, now I have 13... and I only remember doing like, 4 of those.. if even that many. Seriously though, the hours pass like minutes. My next break (current break) was going to include a shower which I, perhaps unwisely, just decided against. I continue to drink coffee, not black though (gross. liquid dirt in a cup. sick). Instead it is much more like my mom's "foo-foo" coffee that actually tastes like something, as well as I can tolerate it hitting my taste buds.

After 1:30 tomorrow I am giving up pop and coffee (seriously, when did I start drinking Mountain Dew VOLTAGE???), pizza more than once a week, staying up all night, not working out, wearing the same jeans more than once (err, three times), staying in my room for hours, reading, writing papers, studying, going to the library, class... hold on, no.

Lets just say I'll do some laundry, go to the rec, and start doing my reading (all of it) for class after tomorrow? Yah. That should work.

I need more coffee, some m&ms and the Word Biblical Commentary on Galatians 1, 2 and 19.

My life is in shambles ;)cute:

Caffeine, Ah.

2009-02-28T10:13:00.000-08:00

This is what it has come to.

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

2009-02-27T22:49:00.000-08:00

"These are the times that try men's souls... tyranny, like Hell, is not easily conquered, yet we have this consolation with us, that the harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph." -Thomas Paine, The Crisis

"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize." -1 Cor 9:24

Its Hard Being Good.

2009-02-24T13:11:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I just get tired of being the one to have a good attitude; of making the best of things; of being positive; of forgiving whether or not someone is sorry; or rising above my circumstance; of doing because I know I should; of being humble. It is hard to [try to] be good all the time. Not that I am in any sort of position to say I am, or that I am doing all of those things, but I like to think I am striving for greatness and attempting to be the best that I can.

I guess it reminds me of the idea of pursuing holiness and trying to be more like Jesus in all we do and say. We obviously will never achieve perfection, but because we are called to strive for such we keep trying [and keep failing].

In other news, apparently boys don’t like poofs (as in bangs) and capri pants (better known to some as “flood pants”). I guess I can understand the poof thing, at least on my part, although I would say some girls can pull it off nicely. I, however, only pull my bangs back as an attempt to disguise the otherwise obvious fact that I did not shower, typically displayed by the very attractive ponytail and stringy bangs. Capri pants on the other hand, what? They are great for Fall and Spring, when the summer nights start to cool off and the winter ice starts to melt away…perfect when its too hot for jeans but too cold for shorts! Eh, boys, whatever. I should probably just shave all my hair off and wear pants all the time… or I could just shower more.

Senior Integration update--- 11 steps down, 38 to go! Due in 6 days. Crunch time is coming…

"Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed. As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: "Be holy, because I am holy." (1 Peter 1:13-16)

Welcome Back to the Blog World!

2009-02-21T09:22:00.000-08:00

Ok ok ok, I have been desperately wanting to start a blog and since I obviously don't have the time (hello, Senior Integration), I figured today was a perfect day to do it!

I'm not sure how good at this blogging thing I'll be, but I mean, no one has to read it if they don't want, and for that matter, I was like, the best Xanga-er on the planet, so hopefully I can get into this as well.

These days, time is my enemy, and sleep isn't near as refreshing as it should be. I feel like all I do is work, read, go to class, work on my paper, work, read, etc. I hope real life one day will be less stressful, or at least somewhat pleasantly stressful. Despite all the stuff my days are filled with though, life is so good and I love so much of what is going on around me. God is still doing great things, I am still learning a LOT, I still laugh so much, and (PTL) I can finally see the (very faint) light at the end of the undergraduate collegiate tunnel! (3 more semesters...including Student Teaching!)

Ok well, off to the library for the next week of my life! (Ugh)

"He must become greater, I must become less." -Jn 25:30